No, for real, check it out. It’s right here in the ESPN archives and it was written…huh, seven years ago? Oddly good job forecasting, ESPN! And don’t worry about all those typos — I’ll touch them all up for you:
Continue reading “Hey, someone wrote a Bill Belichick post about Chip Kelly!”
Remember that Game of War ad I picked apart a few pages back? Well while the whole world spent their Super Bowl commercial breaks speechless thanks to that Nationwide ad with the dead kid, I was busy rolling my eyes so hard at the new Game of War ad I thought I’d never see straight again. (Was that a ham-fisted enough intro? I sure hope so.)
Ready to get patronized again? Here we go:
You’ll notice that it takes exactly zero seconds before you’re introduced to the sexiness: Kate Upton is nude and being bathed by her servants. Jesus H. F. Christ, Jr., guys: at least the last spot waited until the end to showcase her bouncing, slow-motion cleavage. At this point, I’m impressed the rest of the commercial isn’t just a slow zoom into her rack with a small Game of War logo in the corner.
Just like before, this spot has a title: “Who I Am.” Guess how many times that title is A) mentioned outright or B) alluded to even slightly? I’ll give you a hint: it’s the same number that were persuaded to download Game of War because of the commercials (i.e. zero). So Kate Upton is dressed by her servants (boooooo) and then mounts her horse to ride into battle, resulting in a few more slow-mo shots of her bountiful bouncing baps (awwww yeah). Her acting is predictably terrible, though to be fair it’s not like she has the greatest material to work with: the writing in these spots ain’t exactly Tolkien territory.
To be fair, at least this spot actually alludes to the fucking game, which the last one didn’t do at all. Still: these ads aren’t just approaching Danica Patrick/GoDaddy territory, they’ve ridden a slow motion horse well past that territory. I fully expect the next ad to just be her wrestling a sexy female orc (played by Charlotte McKinney) in a kiddie pool full of oil while a voiceover talks about destiny or honor or some shit. At least that would be more transparent.
…our network goes down at work. It’s like a sign from the Gods that I have to spend the day blogging. Very well, Gods. I shall honor your wishes.
Let’s keep the Super Bowl train rolling with my favorite reaction to any event of all time: Mr. Donaldtron Trumpbot. Guess who he blamed for Seattle’s decision to throw the ball at the 1-yard line???
Yes, you read that right: Trump is blaming it on…President Obama. I know the whole “THANKS OBAMA” meme has taken off, but this, like everything else Donald Trump does, feels decidedly unironic. Also: “Same thought process!”? SAME THOUGHT PROCESS?? Same as…what? What is he even trying to say about Obama there? That throwing the ball from the 1-yard line is like Obamacare? That the Benghazi scandal was equivalent to not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch? This is just political for the sake of being political.
Only 8 months until football is back again!
Man, there are like 500 things I want to write posts about lately and I’ve had like zero time to tackle any of them. Stupid real life getting in the way of posting outlandish steroid accusations and unnecessary rankings/lists of things!
Anyway, the biggest news in the last week was probably that awesome Super Bowl, in which the Patriots picked off a late-game pass attempt by Russell Wilson and caused Richard Sherman to do this:
Ahhhh, the schadenfreude — how delicious it is! I could watch this on loop all day long.
Anyway, I’ve got some more Sherman stuff coming up (spoilers: it involves his ultra-pretentious MMQB article from last week) and I’ve got some Super Bowl commercial thoughts too.
I guess this isn’t much of a post, now that I think about it. Oh well.
It’s finally here, America! Rejoice in the moment. Eat until you hate yourself, drink until you love everyone and root your heart out for the winning coach to punch Roger Goodell in his stupid fucking face. And most of all, never forget:
#USA
I did it a few days ago and basically claimed that BB just wanted to give his team back their “nobody believed in us!” chestnut from years past. Well guess what? Looks like I have an (admittedly unlikely) ally in Dan Wetzel:
“Every team seeks an Us-Against-The-World, Nobody-Believes-In-Us mentality. They think it provides some kind of an edge even when a Super Bowl is on the line and you wouldn’t think any edge is needed. So it’s often invented.
New England is in its sixth Super Bowl with Belichick and Tom Brady, it goes to the playoffs every season, it’s always a league favorite. Trying to figure out a way to be the underdog, the doubted, the victim, it’s nearly impossible.
At least until now.”
Just remember where you heard it first, folks: from your pal JSG. See? Once you get past the fact that I swear a lot and make way too many references to drinking and I’m prone to run-on sentences and I don’t really remember all the rules of grammar, I’m basically right there as a sportswriter. YOU’RE WELCOME.
“ESPN.com – Browner’s targeting plans sadden Seahawks – 11 hours ago”
“I’m not even mad — I’m just disappointed,” said Russell Wilson. “I just thought they were better than that.” K.J. Wright added: “To say I’m sad is an understatement. We can move past it…I’m willing to forgive it, but I won’t forget it.”
“Sigh…where did we go wrong? Is this our fault? Are we bad teammates?”
Now that I’ve had a little while to reflect on the Patriots thing mentioned in the post before, it’s pretty clear what’s happening: Belichick is trying to drum up some faux-underdog mentality for his team. By figuring out how to make the Patriots vilified in the week leading up to the Super Bowl, he’s giving them a “nobody believed in this team except us!” card that they’ve so desperately craved since the early 2000s. He’s making the game about the rules and working to distract people from the game itself.
I’m on to you, you crafty, hoodie-wearing son of a bitch. I’m on to you AND I respect your team, and personally I think they are heavy favorites. If anything, I don’t believe in the Seahawks, who are clear underdogs in my mind. How do you like them apples, hmm?
From Yahoo!’s front page this morning:
I like the idea behind recognizing an unsung hero-type of person, like a football everyman who happens to hold the pretty cool distinction of playing in six Super Bowls. But is there any more patronizing way to refer to a small start-up peanut brittle business? If I were Mike Lodish, would I even take that as a compliment? I mean, I like peanut brittle and all, but the term mogul is usually reserved for ancient Persian empires, bumpy ski hills and, like, Jay-Z.
Also, there’s this, from our pal Dan Wetzel:
“It’s a tough business; ultra competitive, with market share captured one store at a time. So this is Lodish bringing the same battling mentality to peanut brittle that got him to all those title games.”
So there you have it, kids: all it takes to achieve your dreams is to work hard, keep your nose to the grindstone and then luckily manage to get drafted by the most dynastic team of the early 1990s and constantly propped up by the generational talent around you. Truly the American Dream!
ST did a marvelous job breaking down the absurdity of the “Brady is a clutch winner who winningly wins games with the power of his calm and handsome face alone” gambit below — but since I’m a bored analyst with a boring desk job, I figured I’d substantiate his points with data. Fun stuff, right?! Get ready for some super hot chart action:
glitchgoals 