Hey, someone wrote a Bill Belichick post about Chip Kelly!

Image Via BleacherReport

No, for real, check it out. It’s right here in the ESPN archives and it was written…huh, seven years ago? Oddly good job forecasting, ESPN! And don’t worry about all those typos — I’ll touch them all up for you:

To understand [Kelly], look what he did with [Eagles]

Continue reading “Hey, someone wrote a Bill Belichick post about Chip Kelly!”

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Hey, someone wrote a Bill Belichick post about Chip Kelly!

You Have Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me

Remember that Game of War ad I picked apart a few pages back? Well while the whole world spent their Super Bowl commercial breaks speechless thanks to that Nationwide ad with the dead kid, I was busy rolling my eyes so hard at the new Game of War ad I thought I’d never see straight again. (Was that a ham-fisted enough intro? I sure hope so.)

Ready to get patronized again? Here we go:

You’ll notice that it takes exactly zero seconds before you’re introduced to the sexiness: Kate Upton is nude and being bathed by her servants. Jesus H. F. Christ, Jr., guys: at least the last spot waited until the end to showcase her bouncing, slow-motion cleavage. At this point, I’m impressed the rest of the commercial isn’t just a slow zoom into her rack with a small Game of War logo in the corner.

Just like before, this spot has a title: “Who I Am.” Guess how many times that title is A) mentioned outright or B) alluded to even slightly? I’ll give you a hint: it’s the same number that were persuaded to download Game of War because of the commercials (i.e. zero). So Kate Upton is dressed by her servants (boooooo) and then mounts her horse to ride into battle, resulting in a few more slow-mo shots of her bountiful bouncing baps (awwww yeah). Her acting is predictably terrible, though to be fair it’s not like she has the greatest material to work with: the writing in these spots ain’t exactly Tolkien territory.

To be fair, at least this spot actually alludes to the fucking game, which the last one didn’t do at all. Still: these ads aren’t just approaching Danica Patrick/GoDaddy territory, they’ve ridden a slow motion horse well past that territory. I fully expect the next ad to just be her wrestling a sexy female orc (played by Charlotte McKinney) in a kiddie pool full of oil while a voiceover talks about destiny or honor or some shit. At least that would be more transparent.

You Have Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me

And Just like That…

…our network goes down at work. It’s like a sign from the Gods that I have to spend the day blogging. Very well, Gods. I shall honor your wishes.

Let’s keep the Super Bowl train rolling with my favorite reaction to any event of all time: Mr. Donaldtron Trumpbot. Guess who he blamed for Seattle’s decision to throw the ball at the 1-yard line???

THANKS OBAMA
THANKS OBAMA

 

Yes, you read that right: Trump is blaming it on…President Obama. I know the whole “THANKS OBAMA” meme has taken off, but this, like everything else Donald Trump does, feels decidedly unironic. Also: “Same thought process!”? SAME THOUGHT PROCESS?? Same as…what? What is he even trying to say about Obama there? That throwing the ball from the 1-yard line is like Obamacare? That the Benghazi scandal was equivalent to not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch? This is just political for the sake of being political.

Only 8 months until football is back again!

And Just like That…

More like Super Bawl, Am I Right?

Man, there are like 500 things I want to write posts about lately and I’ve had like zero time to tackle any of them. Stupid real life getting in the way of posting outlandish steroid accusations and unnecessary rankings/lists of things!

Anyway, the biggest news in the last week was probably that awesome Super Bowl, in which the Patriots picked off a late-game pass attempt by Russell Wilson and caused Richard Sherman to do this:

 

Ahhhh, the schadenfreude — how delicious it is! I could watch this on loop all day long.

Anyway, I’ve got some more Sherman stuff coming up (spoilers: it involves his ultra-pretentious MMQB article from last week) and I’ve got some Super Bowl commercial thoughts too.

I guess this isn’t much of a post, now that I think about it. Oh well.

More like Super Bawl, Am I Right?

Remember When I Totally Predicted That BB Was Using Deflategate as Tacit Motivation for the Super Bowl?

I did it a few days ago and basically claimed that BB just wanted to give his team back their “nobody believed in us!” chestnut from years past. Well guess what? Looks like I have an (admittedly unlikely) ally in Dan Wetzel:

“Every team seeks an Us-Against-The-World, Nobody-Believes-In-Us mentality. They think it provides some kind of an edge even when a Super Bowl is on the line and you wouldn’t think any edge is needed. So it’s often invented.

New England is in its sixth Super Bowl with Belichick and Tom Brady, it goes to the playoffs every season, it’s always a league favorite. Trying to figure out a way to be the underdog, the doubted, the victim, it’s nearly impossible.

At least until now.”

Just remember where you heard it first, folks: from your pal JSG. See? Once you get past the fact that I swear a lot and make way too many references to drinking and I’m prone to run-on sentences and I don’t really remember all the rules of grammar, I’m basically right there as a sportswriter. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Remember When I Totally Predicted That BB Was Using Deflategate as Tacit Motivation for the Super Bowl?

This Headline Was in My Gmail This Morning

ESPN.com – Browner’s targeting plans sadden Seahawks – 11 hours ago”

“I’m not even mad — I’m just disappointed,” said Russell Wilson. “I just thought they were better than that.” K.J. Wright added: “To say I’m sad is an understatement. We can move past it…I’m willing to forgive it, but I won’t forget it.”

“Sigh…where did we go wrong? Is this our fault? Are we bad teammates?”

This Headline Was in My Gmail This Morning