The video above is one of my favorite YouTube clips of all time (in case it’s not clear, that a re-cut of Stanley Kubrick’s horror classic “The Shining” as a heartfelt family comedy) – but unfortunately, 99% of horror movie trailers adhere to a different format.
What format is that, you ask? (I’m assuming you asked that.) Well luckily, I’m here to deconstruct it for you! Hit that jump sonnnnnnnnnn.
Not to get all fourth wall on you, but I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal shit lately – shit that has effectively shut down my ability to function as a normal person.
…So naturally, I decided that the way I would spend part of my day making this picture:
Yep. That’s a Unicornabomber. I’m here all week, folks!
-jsg
Despite the sarcastic and critical tone of glitchgoals, we really try not to trade in stereotypes very often: It’s bad that they paint entire groups of people in broad strokes, and it’s even worse that using them for comedic purposes is hackneyed, lowest common denominator stuff.
But based on a handful of conversations I’ve had over the years, I’ve come across one unequivocal truth: Women have the absolute strangest set of “deal-breaker” standards for relationships in the entire world.
I started college in 2004 with jsg. Â We had both freshly finished high school with decent marks, enough to get into a long, long list of community colleges. Â We even qualified for some full-fledged universities. Â I am not sure of his perspective on this, but I had always learned that you grew up, went to college, and emerged with a good paying job and ample advancement opportunities. Â Turns out that is totally bullshit. Â So PLEASE don’t go college.
Continue reading “PLEASE Don’t Go to College (Unless Your REALLY Know What You Are Doing)”
My blogging better half is in South America right now, and he’s been taking some pretty ridiculous pictures of the native flora and fauna, including this awesome parrot. I hate to be THAT guy on the Internet, but this bird’s apparent scowl and pointing talons have meme written all over them.
Naturally, since my number one skill in life is thinking of random and obscure references, I created this variant:
I mean, does this bird not look totally like the kind of bird that would randomly start sexually assaulting you? Just like the Hand Banana of birds!
Anyway, I guess my point is that bird is awesome, and I’m really hoping South America has even more awesome animals I can make even more adult swim references with.
You know how some days you’re like “Man, I woke up early because I couldn’t fall back asleep because so many random ideas were floating around in my head so let’s make breakfast and have a ton of coffee and then let’s get to work on making some of those ideas become a reality and hey, why not start with the silly 8-bit Photoshop idea because it seems like it’ll be the most fun?”
No? Just me? Alright then. Either way, hit that jump. I know you want to. Come on – all the cool kids are doing it.
The NBA All-Star Game is this weekend, and as expected TNT is going to great lengths to promote the game. Plenty of insider access and coverage, lots of fun sideshow-style events…and oh, who could forget ads featuring the music of breakout indie rapper Macklemore!
I’ve gotta applaud your taste, TNT – Macklemore has some amazing tracks on “The Heist.” So which one did you go with? I bet it was “Can’t Hold Us,” right? Or maybe it’s “Gold” – you know, like in the metaphorical sense? Hell, “Thrift Shop” doesn’t even make sense here, but it’s so catchy that you might as well, right?
Wait. You…you went with “Wing$?” Wait….wait what?
So feel free to watch the video if you like, because it’s actually a pretty great song in its own right. It’s just, you know…that it’s a song about the dangers of materialism, with a focus specifically on – wait for it – basketball shoes.
TNT edited out all of the objectionable lyrics for the sake of their video, of course – it’s not going to be good for business to hear Macklemore mention how his friend’s brother was murdered for his Air Jordans, or say things like “these Nikes helped me define me but I’m trying to take mine off” – but I mean, even having the subtext of this song around makes the ENTIRE VIDEO feel like it’s just there to fuck with your mind. Mission accomplished, TNT.
I’m not sure what to believe about any of it, to be honest. Is this an ironic statement on TNT’s part about their own product? Did they just pick the track because it’s vaguely about basketball? And what’s Macklemore’s role in all of this? For someone who seemed awfully concerned about not being a consumer whore anymore, he and Ryan Lewis APPEAR IN THE MUSIC VIDEO. What’s next, being asked to play at the next pope’s confirmation ceremony and playing “Same Love?” Man my head hurts.
In conclusion, I don’t know what’s real anymore.
(Image via the awesome Toothpaste for Dinner)
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Despite the image above, I don’t find Valentine’s Day any more depressing than any other bogus, entirely commercialized holiday – it’s easy enough to ignore, and if there’s one thing we’ve gotten good at in life it’s ignoring shit that other people like (y’know, like elections and the Grammys).
That said, I want to make sure you know exactly how I feel about Valentine’s Day in relation to the rest of the holidays – that means it’s time for a list! The rules are fairly arbitrary, but I’m going to mostly stay away from religious holidays, and I will include a bunch that aren’t federal but are fairly widely known. Let’s get started! Continue reading “US Holidays: The Definitive Ranking”
I know this isn’t going to do much to convince you that I don’t actually care about baseball, but I have to get something off my chest here: I absolutely do NOT understand the New York media, specifically in relation to Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. When he came on board, A-Rod was unquestionably the best player on the planet and well on his way to possibly being the Greatest of All Time – you’d think New York would welcome a guy like that with open arms, right? WRONG. The dude gets so much negative press that I could make each word in this post a hyperlink to a different article (I won’t, though, because even though I’m the guy who spent almost 1,200 words writing about booze I DO value my time more than that). Somehow, every major failure in the last decade of Yankees baseball is at least partially, if not entirely, blamed on Alex Rodriguez.
And all of the major successes? Attributed to overrated dickface Derek Jeter.
OK so I totally didn’t expect that this would become a thing, but man, I am a sucker for the ubiquitous spam messages we get sent in what is apparently the world’s most broken English. I know it’s kind of silly to even bring it up, since we all get spam messages, but these strike me as particularly awesome.
Today’s entry? BLOCKQUOTE STATUS:
“I have been exploring for a little for any high quality articles or blog posts on this sort of house . Exploring in Yahoo I at last stumbled upon this web site. Studying this information So i am glad to exhibit that I have an incredibly excellent uncanny feeling I came upon exactly what I needed. I such a lot indubitably will make certain to do not overlook this web site and provides it a look regularly.”
This one is particularly awesome because that entire first sentence is actually alright….until the LAST TWO WORDS. Exploring for high-quality articles? Totally normal. Looking for blog posts on “this sort of house?” Man alive, I’m dying over here. I literally cannot think of any possible situation in which “house” was meant to be the subject there.
Never change, commenter spam – never ever change. Or as I always say: “I such a lot indubitably will make certain to do not overlook this web site!”
-jsg
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