glitchgoals Gatekeeping: Great Moments in Spam I

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One of my favorite things about glitchgoals is the resulting blog spam that comes with it – our humble blog has already received over 100 spam comments, almost all of which are automatically filtered out by WordPress. (Thanks, WordPress!) Still, some of them manage to get through the automatic filter and into the Spam comment queue.

Most of these comments are about what you’d expect, but I came across one that was so excellent I just had to share it. This beauty comes to us from user “Facebook I Love You Quotes.” Let’s hit that blockquote:

“Pretty portion of content. I just stumbled upon your weblog and in accession capital to say that I get in fact enjoyed account your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing on your augment or even I achievement you get admission to constantly rapidly.”

I love how much more unintelligible this comment gets in only two sentences. “Pretty portion of content” is just spotty English (and, incidentally, my new favorite way to compliment someone’s work), but “even I achievement you get admission to constantly rapidly” is the kind of thing you get if you give magnet poetry to a retarded cat. That sentence closes with two adverbs for God’s sake – man this kills me.

Never change, commenter spam – never ever change. Or as I always say: “Any way I’ll be subscribing on your augment!”

-jsg

Rethink Your Drink: An Economical Guide to Classy Intoxication

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I don’t know how clear this is based on the content so far, but the sponsor of glitchgoals might as well be booze. In almost any form, really: beer, spirits, wine, cordials, rubbing alcohol diluted with orange juice, water diluted with Bud Light…really, whatever it takes. We love enjoying a few drinks from time to time, particularly to get the creative juices flowing.

But please, don’t get it twisted: ST and I aren’t irresponsible, nor are we trying to find the cheapest path to drunkenness – we DO have standards here. But we’re not suckers, either. I’d rather buy a fifth of gasoline and try to drink that than buy a fifth of Patron.

Surely there must be a middle ground, right? Like, at least ONE form of alcohol that is both delicious AND affordable? Well look no further, friends – Joe St. Germain has got you covered. Whatever your poison, hit that jump and find our recommendations!

Since I’m Still Talking About Sports…

It’s possible this clip won’t embed, but either way: With the Super Bowl fast approaching, here’s my favorite SNL sketch of all time:

http://www.metatube.com/en/videos/5895/Disney-s-Ray-of-Light-Ray-Lewis-TV-Funhouse/

You know how the Ravens are gonna be in the Super Bowl this year? And how you may have heard something about Ray Lewis retiring after this year and the Super Bowl being his last game? Well let’s not forget that it’s been over a decade since good ol’ overrated #52 was convicted of obstruction of justice. I seriously don’t get how Michael Vick is only ever talked about as a dog fighter and Ray Lewis gets a pass from the media. It’s fucking ridiculous. Hooray arbitrary forgiveness!!

Also, not to belabor the point, but Ray Lewis’ Wikipedia article has a whole section entitled “Murder trial.” Hilariously enough, the very next section is entitled “Legacy.” Nice work, Wikipedia editors.

-jsg

And While We’re on the Subject…

In my last post, I lightly chastised Disney for trying to cross-promote its movie-themed hockey team with this TV show, where anthropomorphic ducks with super powers played NHL hockey by day and fought crime by night. Maybe it’s a silly premise, but I’d argue it’s no worse than any other duck-themed Disney show. I mean, come on: DuckTales? Darkwing Duck? Seriously, there’s a whole Wikipedia page dedicated to it – go check it out if you don’t believe me.

My point is: even though Disney tried WAY too hard with this series, it’s not like I can accuse them of cutting corners – check out the list of voice talent they got:

• Tim Curry
• Jim Belushi
• Dennis Franz
• Brad Garrett
• Ian Ziering

I mean, this isn’t like, cartoon Ocean’s 11 or anything, but damn dude, that’s some talent and notoriety right there. I still don’t love the corporate tie-ins at play here, but hey, at least they got top-end talent here.

-jsg

The 10 Worst Choices for the 10 Worst Nicknames in Pro Sports

If there’s one thing that glitchgoals excels at, it’s being hypercritical of stupid things in general. ST has taken on a wider breadth of subjects during our time, while I’ve mostly focused on sports-specific things. I’d like to diversify a bit more, but there’s just so much in the sports world that bothers me – and if others won’t take these writers to task, who better than an anonymous writer with a pseudonym inspired by an old video game??

(Note: That was rhetorical, but I’m still going to use it as my justification. Whatever, like anyone wants to read YOUR blog about your crazy cats or your whining about your relationship troubles. Dick.)

So today, I came across this little beauty: The 10 Worst Nicknames in Pro Sports. Now, I’m not saying I could have done better (although I totally could have), but this list has some maddening choices. Let’s go through them one by one, shall we?

One Example of Why Health Care in America Sucks

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I recently had a situation where I was working out and my heart felt like it was beating a little overly fast considering how much exercise I had done.  I had noticed some little weird heart stuff in the past so I thought hey, why not go see a doctor?  Maybe there was something going on there I should know about.  I have to think my experience with the doctor was pretty common and indicative of health care in America.  And keep in mind here, I have insurance.

I Wish I Worked From Home Sometimes

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Sometimes I really wish I worked from home.  Not ALL the time, cause that would probably get lonely.  It’d be nice to be able to go into an office sometimes for social reasons, but mainly to be incessantly reminded what day it is.  A friend of mine recently started a business and works from home.  I imagine he has much more engaging activities going on compared to the conversations from “PLEASE Stop Having This Conversation At Work.”  

ESPN Presents: “Who’s Now” (AKA “Who Was Then” – A Retrospective On ESPN’s Worst Feature Ever)

You’ll be hard-pressed to get me to support ESPN in virtually any capacity these days: their programming is aimed largely at infotainment (i.e. shows with pundits trying to be more outrageous than one another – I’m looking at you, Rob Parker), they unashamedly pimp the sports and conferences they directly sponsor (it’s no accident ESPN overrates the SEC so much) and ignore the sports they don’t get any incentive to cover, like the NHL. They’ve largely abandoned the things that made them so successful in search of shtick-heavy anchors and bloviating analysts.

So yeah, ESPN has made a lot of questionable decisions over the years. But for my money, no one thing so quintessentially captures everything that was and still is wrong with ESPN like one SportsCenter feature in particular: the “Who’s Now” series.

Fake TV Show Pitches, Vol. III

Best show never made?! (Yes.)

Weirdly, TV execs have yet to greenlight “Holmy Don’t Play That” on any network. Although it’s weird, let’s give it a few months – that’s about how long the last one took, right?? In the meantime, I have another NHL-themed show that not only offers a new concept, it appeals to nostalgia for 90’s kids (ONLY 90’s KIDS WILL REMEMBER THIS!)

Are you even ready for this? If so, hit that jump, bitches!