Seriously. Literally the first post on this blog is about how retarded voting is…and this is what you have in our dashboard??
“I Voted?” I voted??? More like I ridiculed voting since it is worthless and stupid! Ugh. Ironically, the only thing that’s more of a waste of time than voting is blogging here, but Jesus, WordPress…Jesus. Get your shit together.
–jsg
But the color guy in the Vikings-Bucs game just said “Teddy Bridgewater is comfortable in that two minute warning!”
He corrected himself, but still, that’s pretty funny, right? Like if he weren’t comfortable with the two-minute warning, he’d just freak the fuck out and lose his shit when they blew the whistle? I mean, this isn’t Matt Cassel, guys, let’s give Teddy “Over Troubled” Bridgewater some credit.
(My goal with this blog was to make the references/jokes increasingly esoteric and silly. I’m happy to report I’m doing a perfect job.)
–jsg
But a funny thing nonetheless. This is the graphic the NFL is using for its Thursday Night Football coverage:
That’s an ad for the Saints-Panthers game…featuring jerseys that say the team names on the back of them. In the team’s wordmark font, no less. Now, again, this isn’t a big thing, but this is an NFL-created ad for an NFL game being broadcast on the NFL’s official cable network…you guys know you could have used real players to promote this, right? Who’s gonna sue you for copyright infringement, yourselves??
It’d be one thing if they were consistent, for that matter, but the TV ads mention the stars of each team by name. So…why go to the extra effort of rendering these pictures with fake names when you could have just used real pictures of real players?? You’re weird, NFL.
–jsg
I can’t stop. Won’t stop. Eh eh! (That’s a lot of very esoteric and unrelated references in a very short span…realistically that was just a matter of time for me, though. I’m impressed I held out this long.)
Anyway, here’s another comic based on an unfortunately-accurate exchange I had with a co-worker today:
Congrats on graduating from the University of Education with a Ph.D in Advanced Tautology! And moreover, thanks for applying your education so liberally in the workplace. I’d never thought about it before, but it truly is what it is, isn’t it?
Seriously, stop saying this. Even if I look past the rhetorical construct here, it’s not even like you’re making a valid point — you’re essentially throwing your hands in the air and saying “oh well, sucks to be me.” (Which: I agree, but probably not for the reason you think I do.) Stop couching your complaints in this faux-sagely wisdom — you’re not a Buddhist monk reflecting on your life’s journey, you’re just mad that someone gave you more work to do. Settle down, Siddhartha.
–jsg
Remember ST’s comics from way back when? They were awesome, and today I realized I had my own to add. This one’s for you, ST!
Ahahaha! Ahh, that’s so amazing: you sneezed — probably because it was dusty in the area, or you sit underneath a vent or something — and you took that concept and conflated it with the idea of allergies…and in this case, your allergy was to work! And now you’re going to parlay that into a joke about how you should probably go home?? Ohh man, that is great. That. Is. GREAT. Nevermind that people with actual allergies still have to go to work, and forget about how you apparently never sneeze at home (I mean, you obviously can’t be allergic both to work AND not-work, am I right??) — forget about all of that stuff. If anything, you should leave work because you’re due on stage, Mr. Carlin!!!!!
Seriously though, I’ve yet to hear anyone sneeze more than once and not have this happen — if the sneezer isn’t the one saying it, someone nearby is. Are we just out of original things to say/talk about at work nowadays? Seriously, I’m getting concerned.
–jsg
In my last post, I asked for suggestions as to what music would be best/funniest to play while heading to commercial after Peyton Manning’s 509th TD pass. Since this somehow isn’t the most powerful and influential blog of the 21st Century, NBC opted for this instead:
Yeah. The Lumineers. The fucking LUMINEERS, man. I get that they’re from Denver and all, but…”Ho Hey” is what you’re going with? That’s the one? If you’re so attached to an indie-pop song from the last two years, you couldn’t have even gone with “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons? If you needed to keep it in Denver, you couldn’t have chosen “Handlebars” by The Flobots??
Jesus, NBC. Between this and hiring Cris Collinsworth and your generally awful NHL coverage compared to CBC/TSN, it’s almost like you aren’t even trying anymore!
(Fun fact: Cris Collinsworth’s dad is named Abraham Lincoln Collinsworth. How awesome is that??)
(Bonus fun fact: I’m naming my first born child Winston Franz Ferdinand Churchill Khan St. Germain.)
–jsg
In less snarky and/or sarcastic news, NFL living legend Peyton Manning threw his record-setting 509th TD pass against San Francisco tonight. The TD pass moved him in to sole possession of first place, finally passing notorious sexting-pioneer Brett Favre.
I just really wish NBC had picked a funny song for the moment…something that would play him out to commercial with appropriateness and maybe a bit of levity.
My suggestion is “Feels Like the First Time” by Foreigner. It works on multiple levels, what with the joy Manning showed in scoring reminiscent of his first career TD (and plus, you know, the references to sex and shit). My backup suggestion would be “Ten Thousand Hours” by Macklemore, since I bet Peyton would appreciate nothing more than to have yet another sports moment co-opted by a preachy Millennial rapper.
Any other/better/funnier suggestions? Hit us up in the comments!
–jsg
Very sneaky, Roger Goodell — very sneaky indeed. I know you think you’re the most clever student at Clevertown State University, home of the Fightin’ Clevers (motto: Sapientia per dolum), but I see through your ruse and I’ve picked up on your deceptive, Scooby Doo scheme.
You’ve been planning on shipping out the super lame, highly embarrassing Jaguars to London for years now, bro. Don’t act like we haven’t seen this coming.
Continue reading “The NFL’s Not-So-Subtle Plan for the Jacksonville Jaguars”
We’ve got some bigger and better (read: non-baseball) posts in the works right now, but last night’s NLCS was won by the Giants in highly dramatic fashion. Namely, this sweet 3-R walk-off HR by Travis Ishikawa (video courtesy of MLB, obvs):
Yeah, Travis Ishikawa. He of 22 HRs in seven seasons and 881 ABs in the regular season. Baseball is a crazy game sometimes, and congrats to the Giants.
But that’s not what I’m here to talk about: Ishikawa hit his HR off of St. Louis’ Michael Wacha. And yet, as of 8:34 AM PST today, a quoted Google search of “Michael Wach-off” returns zero results.
Zero results. Zero. Not even from some drunk, depressed and sarcastic Cards fan on a message board. Missed opportunity, everyone. Missed opportunity.
–jsg
“Ah…Monday.” We’ve all heard it a million times, right? And don’t act like you don’t know what context I mean that in: this is GG, I’m not talking about the time in kindergarten when we learned what all the days of the week are – I’m talking about the bane of your coworkers’ collective existence. Monday. Fuckin’ Monday. MONDAY. A day so universally hated everyone comments on it, including/especially the media. From Office Space to Garfield and everywhere in between, I don’t think I’m overstating anything when I say Monday is literally the worst thing to ever happen in human history even if you combined all of the bad things into one super bad thing.
(By the way, why does Garfield hate Mondays so much? What is he so happy about during the weekend that Monday takes away from him? He doesn’t have a job, his day-to-day responsibilities are basically limited to eating lasagna and mocking Jon…his Mondays sound pretty fuckin’ cool if you ask me.)
(Oh, and one more quick detour while I’m at it [I know, sorry, I’m all over the place today]: If you haven’t ever seen Lasagna Cat or Garfield Minus Garfield, do yourself a favor and check out both. They’re both excellent, excellent reimaginations of Garfield. Totally worth your time.)
Monday though, you guys, seriously though: it’s the worst right? Oh wait a second: Nope. Turns out you’re just lazy and lame and looking for any reason you can find to complain. Most people thrive on complaining (but, uh, not ST and I, that would be ridiculous) – Monday is easily the second-best day of the week, and if anything it’s doing you a FAVOR by filling the “I need to complain about something” void in your life.
glitchgoals 