Seriously, this thing is going to take up all my time today. My first thought was to make my Denver Broncos play themselves, so I took the 1998 team and sent them on the “road” to play the 2014 team. Elway vs. Manning! Thomas/Sanders vs. Smith/Sharpe! Terrell Davis vs….uh, C.J. Anderson! Epic!
Bam! I simulated it a few times just for fun, but the 1998 Broncos only lost one of the 6-7 times I tried it. This particular result was my favorite, though: I set the weather to snowy and left the teams to their own devices. To no one’s surprise, it was a true QB duel:
Elway and Manning combined for 464 yards and 5 TD passes with zero turnovers — I’m not sure you could have hoped for a better result than that. Terrell Davis had quite a game for himself, topping 100 yards and finding the end zone; all of the big play WRs/TEs delivered too, with only McCaffrey and Julius Thomas held out of the end zone.
But the real kicker here? Check out the 4th Quarter drive log:
That’s right: Taking over at their own 36 with 5:09 to go, Elway calmly marched the 1998 Broncos down the field and hit Rod Smith for a 20-yard go-ahead TD with 1:43 remaining. As if there was any doubt who the most clutchity clutchity clutch QB in history is, Manning stupid and chokishly gets the ball to Welker at midfield…and Welker proceeds to fumble it. Game: 1998 Broncos. Thanks for nothing, Peyton!
I’m not sure if you can tell, but football analysis bugs the shit out of me. The ESPN hype machine only fuels the fire (looking at you, Skip Bayless….see what I did there?). After New England’s recent drubbing of Denver, the knee-jerk reaction from the media is Brady is back, Peyton still can’t beat Brady, etc., etc. Continue reading “A Tale of Two Brady’s”→
In my last post, I asked for suggestions as to what music would be best/funniest to play while heading to commercial after Peyton Manning’s 509th TD pass. Since this somehow isn’t the most powerful and influential blog of the 21st Century, NBC opted for this instead:
Yeah. The Lumineers. The fucking LUMINEERS, man. I get that they’re from Denver and all, but…”Ho Hey” is what you’re going with? That’s the one? If you’re so attached to an indie-pop song from the last two years, you couldn’t have even gone with “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons? If you needed to keep it in Denver, you couldn’t have chosen “Handlebars” by The Flobots??
Jesus, NBC. Between this and hiring Cris Collinsworth and your generally awful NHL coverage compared to CBC/TSN, it’s almost like you aren’t even trying anymore!
In less snarky and/or sarcastic news, NFL living legend Peyton Manning threw his record-setting 509th TD pass against San Francisco tonight. The TD pass moved him in to sole possession of first place, finally passing notorious sexting-pioneer Brett Favre.
I just really wish NBC had picked a funny song for the moment…something that would play him out to commercial with appropriateness and maybe a bit of levity.
My suggestion is “Feels Like the First Time” by Foreigner. It works on multiple levels, what with the joy Manning showed in scoring reminiscent of his first career TD (and plus, you know, the references to sex and shit). My backup suggestion would be “Ten Thousand Hours” by Macklemore, since I bet Peyton would appreciate nothing more than to have yet another sports moment co-opted by a preachy Millennial rapper.
Any other/better/funnier suggestions? Hit us up in the comments!
Readers of our blog (I probably didn’t have to make that plural, in hindsight) may have noticed my affinity toward fisking various articles/infomercials. That’s no accident: I love a good point-by-point takedown of something, especially since the things being fisked usually aren’t lacking material to work with. Plus it gives me this incredible rush of smug self-satisfaction, but mostly it’s that first thing.