No, for real, check it out. It’s right here in the ESPN archives and it was written…huh, seven years ago? Oddly good job forecasting, ESPN! And don’t worry about all those typos — I’ll touch them all up for you:
Continue reading “Hey, someone wrote a Bill Belichick post about Chip Kelly!”
…our network goes down at work. It’s like a sign from the Gods that I have to spend the day blogging. Very well, Gods. I shall honor your wishes.
Let’s keep the Super Bowl train rolling with my favorite reaction to any event of all time: Mr. Donaldtron Trumpbot. Guess who he blamed for Seattle’s decision to throw the ball at the 1-yard line???
Yes, you read that right: Trump is blaming it on…President Obama. I know the whole “THANKS OBAMA” meme has taken off, but this, like everything else Donald Trump does, feels decidedly unironic. Also: “Same thought process!”? SAME THOUGHT PROCESS?? Same as…what? What is he even trying to say about Obama there? That throwing the ball from the 1-yard line is like Obamacare? That the Benghazi scandal was equivalent to not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch? This is just political for the sake of being political.
Only 8 months until football is back again!
CNN.com Recently Published/Updated – Lynch faces Congress in attorney general hearing – 1 hour ago
Wow — I knew the NFL was upset with Marshawn Lynch for his standoffish attitude toward the media, but a Congressional hearing?! That seems wildly excessive to me — Roger Goodell has gone mad with power!
If he’s coming down this hard on Lynch for his media availability, what can we expect from Deflategate?! My guess is a military tribunal in which the Patriots are found to have violated the Geneva Convention, subsequently resulting in their public executions. Consider this a shot across the bow, ballboys.
“ESPN.com – Browner’s targeting plans sadden Seahawks – 11 hours ago”
“I’m not even mad — I’m just disappointed,” said Russell Wilson. “I just thought they were better than that.” K.J. Wright added: “To say I’m sad is an understatement. We can move past it…I’m willing to forgive it, but I won’t forget it.”
“Sigh…where did we go wrong? Is this our fault? Are we bad teammates?”
Here’s the box score for the Pro Bowl:
Go Rams! Beat the Rams! Rams forever!!
Seriously, this thing is going to take up all my time today. My first thought was to make my Denver Broncos play themselves, so I took the 1998 team and sent them on the “road” to play the 2014 team. Elway vs. Manning! Thomas/Sanders vs. Smith/Sharpe! Terrell Davis vs….uh, C.J. Anderson! Epic!
Bam! I simulated it a few times just for fun, but the 1998 Broncos only lost one of the 6-7 times I tried it. This particular result was my favorite, though: I set the weather to snowy and left the teams to their own devices. To no one’s surprise, it was a true QB duel:
Elway and Manning combined for 464 yards and 5 TD passes with zero turnovers — I’m not sure you could have hoped for a better result than that. Terrell Davis had quite a game for himself, topping 100 yards and finding the end zone; all of the big play WRs/TEs delivered too, with only McCaffrey and Julius Thomas held out of the end zone.
But the real kicker here? Check out the 4th Quarter drive log:
That’s right: Taking over at their own 36 with 5:09 to go, Elway calmly marched the 1998 Broncos down the field and hit Rod Smith for a 20-yard go-ahead TD with 1:43 remaining. As if there was any doubt who the most clutchity clutchity clutch QB in history is, Manning stupid and chokishly gets the ball to Welker at midfield…and Welker proceeds to fumble it. Game: 1998 Broncos. Thanks for nothing, Peyton!
Someone on reddit posted a link to this site, which lets you simulate football games between any team in history. Safe to say I’ll be spending the rest of the day simulating ridiculous matchups and posting the results here.
Hey, it beats the Pro Bowl, right?
Now that I’ve had a little while to reflect on the Patriots thing mentioned in the post before, it’s pretty clear what’s happening: Belichick is trying to drum up some faux-underdog mentality for his team. By figuring out how to make the Patriots vilified in the week leading up to the Super Bowl, he’s giving them a “nobody believed in this team except us!” card that they’ve so desperately craved since the early 2000s. He’s making the game about the rules and working to distract people from the game itself.
I’m on to you, you crafty, hoodie-wearing son of a bitch. I’m on to you AND I respect your team, and personally I think they are heavy favorites. If anything, I don’t believe in the Seahawks, who are clear underdogs in my mind. How do you like them apples, hmm?
Not sure if you’ve heard yet, but the New England Patriots are in some measure of trouble after 11 of their 12 footballs were found to be under-inflated during last week’s AFC Championship massacre of win over the Colts. Altering the football — in this case by under-inflation — ostensibly makes the ball easier to grip and throw, especially during cold weather games. The thinking is that this can provide an unfair competitive advantage and/or is tantamount to cheating, which is something the Patriots have been accused of before.
You know what this all means, right? That’s right: it’s time for some good old-fashioned media histrionics!
Continue reading “On Deflated Balls & Manufactured Controversies”
Check it:
Less than 50% completion rate. One passing TD to FOUR interceptions. Five sacks. Seven carries for 25 yards and a rushing TD. Remind you of anyone?
Wilson’s QB Rating for the game was 44.3 (punting sensation Jon Ryan was a perfect 158.3!); Wilson’s QBR was a sad 13.6 (where 100 is the highest). So…maybe my title should have been that Tim Tebow had Russell Wilson games. Still: when the cards were on the table and all the chips were in and [insert other poker analogy here], Wilson found a way to bring his team back for a miracle win. Way to ante up, Russell!
In that insanely flukey 29-23 playoff win where Tebow, some crazy how, completed one of his ten (!!) passes of the game to Demaryius Thomas for the 80-yard winner, Tebow went 10/21 for 316 yards and 2 TDs, tacking on 10 carries for 50 yards and a TD.
QB Rating: 125.6, QBR: 97.7 (i.e. almost perfect).
His Tebowliness couldn’t have been much more ineffective as a traditional passer over his career, completing just 47.9% of his passes with a 17/9 TD/INT ratio (not to mention 7 fumbles). And yet:
Career QB Rating: 75.3. Career QBR: 33.4.
In fact, for all of his flaws — his numerous, hilarious flaws — Tebow only had three games in his career with a lower QBR than Wilson had in Sunday’s game. In those three games, Denver was outscored 23-97 and lost all three. If he’d won a game like the one Seattle pulled out in the NFC Championship game, he’d have spend 20 minutes Tebowing and building a church at midfield. If nothing else, he’d certainly have attributed it to divine intervention.
Hmm? What’s that? Oh, Russell Wilson has something to say. Russell?
“God is too good all the time, man,” Wilson told Erin Andrews of FOX Sports immediately after the win. “Every time.”
“That’s God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so rewarding, so special,” Wilson said regarding the sudden transformation from horrible performance to incredible performance. “I’ve been through a lot in life, and had some ups and downs. It’s what’s led me to this day.”
Welp, that settles it: Wilson had a Tebow game after all. Maybe Rodgers should have spent a little less time reading defenses and a little more time reading scripture!
glitchgoals 