APOCALYPSE LIVE BLOG 2012

The Mayans predicted the end of the world, so I might as well live blog it!!

11:59 PM: Nevermind that my specific time zone is irrelevant unless I happen to live where the Mayans lived when they created their calendar, let’s assume they meant the world would end specifically at one minute after midnight, because hey, that seems reasonable right?! Apocalypse here we come!!!

12:00 AM: Here we goooooooooooooooo!!!!!

……………Wait, what the fuck? What the actual fuck??? Was I lied to by a civilization several centuries old that was loosely and wrongly interpreted by modern people for financial gain?!?!?! Seems unlikely…!

12:01 AM: Fuck.

12:05 AM: Sorry, just took a few shots since I got wasted assuming the world would end and it didn’t, so might as well party to like, celebrate, right?!

12:06 AM: Dear Mayans: Go fuck yourselves even though you totally weren’t the problem here. Sincerely, specifically me, apparently.

I guess my point is: you’re stuck with glitchgoals in 2013 and beyond. So…you should probably be pretty mad at those Mayans.

-jsg

Proof You Can Just Say Anything You Want On TV and Apparently No One Will Care

…No one except the snarky co-writer of a hyper-critical blog, that is!

This is the commercial for the new Words With Friends board game, which I happened to catch tonight while I was watching reruns of “That’s So Raven” on The Disney Channel totally watching sports. Now, normally I’d be taking this whole concept to task because the Words With Friends board game already exists in the form of, you know, SCRABBLE – but Hasbro owns both, so I can’t blame them for selling both when a new generation is more familiar with one than the other.

No, my concern is with the commercial itself, specifically the :11 second mark. Let’s hit the blockquote for this one:

“One of the world’s hottest social word games just got more social.”

For those of you keeping track, the implication here is that this version of Words With Friends – a board game that people who are already friends with each other are playing in a living room, in the commercial – is somehow MORE social than the mobile app version, which lets you play against literally anyone in the entire WORLD, from friends to total strangers, all with a few taps and swipes of a touch screen. Yep.

In hindsight, I probably didn’t need that blockquote for one line. But hey, we probably didn’t need a WWF board game either, so there.

-jsg

Fake TV Show Pitches, Vol. II

Did you guys hear the news? Scottie Pippen is getting his own reality show soon! Hmm…SOMEONE here predicted that a few months ago, if I remember correctly (which I do, since it was me who predicted it). Looks like TV producers are trawling our small-time, independent blog for ideas. I can’t say I blame them, mind you – it WAS a pretty genius idea. But now I have an idea I’d LOVE to see them steal. Seriously, go ahead network execs. I won’t even be mad, bros…mostly just impressed and surprised. Simpressed? Imprised? Whatever, it doesn’t matter, hit that “Read More” button and follow along.

Subway: A Microcosm of What’s Wrong With American Diets and Advertising

Image Via

Man I’m hungry.  You know what I want??  To be just like this asshole!  Time to go to Subway.  Upon opening the door I notice something: it smells like shit in here.  What is that smell?  Every Subway smells like it, and after leaving my clothes seem unable to shake the smell for hours.  Oh well, I want to “Eat Fresh.”  Ah!  Here comes a greasier, less funny JD McNugent.  Time to order.  Let’s see what do I want… hmmm well Michael Phelps likes Subway, I think I heard he eats the turkey sando when he’s training and I came to Subway cuz it’s healthy.  Why else would he, Justin Tuck, Apolo Ohno, Jerod Mayo, RGIII, and many more eat here??  So yea JD, let’s start with a footlong (what am I supposed to do, starve??) Italian Herb and Cheese bread.  I’ll take turkey, American cheese…make that two cheeses, a little extra mayo, that really good chipotle mayo as well, some bacon, and some spinach cause I need some greens on there.  What’s that?  Hell yea I’ll make that a combo!  I’ll take a cookie, Doritos, and a small size 32 ounce coke.  The sandwich alone is 1200 calories and I haven’t even had my cookie yet.  Thanks JD!

The Worst Christmas Song Ever

Dean Martin looks a LOT like Sylvester Stallone

(Image Via)

It’s almost Christmas you guys! You know what that means: another season of hanging out with your loved ones, exchanging gifts, setting up decorations and generally ignoring work for weeks at a time. Not bad, right?

Unfortunately, the Christmas season comes with one huge negative: Christmas music. I’m not talking about the soft instrumental/choral music that is usually religious in nature – I’m talking about the schmaltzy seasonal music, typically involving Santa Claus or reindeer or presents or whatever. That’s the worst thing about the season, as far as I’m concerned, and you’d REALLY have to do something special to stand out from the crowd of awful Christmas songs.

And yet, one song rises above all the rest as the oddest, creepiest and all-around worst of all: Baby, It’s Cold Outside.

PLEASE Stop Having This Conversation at Work

I work in an office (for now).  As does jsg.  Between the two of us, we have had (or overheard) this conversation about 10 billion times.  And I know what you’re thinking: that’s some hyperbole.  It’s not.  We counted.  Anyway, people, PLEASE STOP HAVING THIS CONVERSATION AT WORK.  Every time you have this conversation, everyone loses.  Asking someone what they did this weekend is a fine question.  Unless they are an asshole, the person asking is presumably interested.  Saying “Just took it easy, you know” is the most god damn lame thing you can possibly say.  We are at work.  The day has already started shittily.  Why not tell an interesting story, or at least put a creative spin on the most hackneyed response of all time?  Man you suck.

Hooray for the Grammy Awards!!

Hey guys, did you hear? The 2013 Grammy Award nominees have been named! Try to contain your excitement as legends like Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Adele, Katy Perry, LMFAO, Kelly Clarkson, Skrillex, Chris Brown, Kanye Westttytttttttttsuydfgiudsfhukkljijlzijljizzpp////////////////////////////////

Ah, sorry about that, I passed out on my keyboard due to a mixture of disappointment and anger. (In case anyone is wondering, the only medically recognized cure for those things is alcohol. I’m here for you guys, and I AM a doctor.) In any event, the Grammys present a unique opportunity for people to be told what music is the best by a group of strangers. What could possibly be better?!