But if I had one, I like to think it’d be writing things like this fake commercial from the incomparable Parks and Recreation:
This is just all-around magnificent in every single way. Really, all of the fake commercials in last week’s episode were (I love the idea of an Indian casino having a mascot named “Coinsy the Wolf” — just amazing). I know writing things like this isn’t a job — being a comedy writer obviously is, but fake commercials isn’t a job in and of itself. But man…how amazing would that be? I think I speak for all of the GG writers AND audience when I say: What are you rambling about, you crazy person? Was this just a flimsy excuse to post this video from Parks and Rec?
The Stadium Series game at Levi’s Stadium is tonight! Sharks! Kings! Bright lights! White pants! Excitement all around!
Much like last year’s Ducks-Kings affair at iconic Dodger Stadium, the NHL has set up a high-quality sheet of ice on a relatively warm night in California — this is, of course, amazing that they’re able to do this so consistently at this point, even/especially in warm weather markets.
So let’s celebrate! It’s a California-based event, and last year LA had KISS on hand, which led to one of my favorite pictures ever:
So the floor is yours, NHL: it’s an otherwise unremarkable night in the sports world, so let’s really kick things up and impress people with a cool music show! Who’d you get this year? Someone hip and cool, right? Someone that screams California energy, no doubt. Someone like…
Wait…what? No, hold on.
This can’t be right. This just…this just can’t be right?
I just…I just don’t know what to do with you anymore, NHL. And the game, as I type this, is being kicked off with music from some American Idol contestant named Chris Kris Allen? At least he’s got the windswept hair and leather jacket I might have expected from someone cool, and it looks like he’s got an orchestra behind him. This is actually extremely cool work, NHL. It’s almost enough to make me look silly for writing a thing lambasting your marketing/pr departments, until you go back and consider that MELISSA ETHERIDGE AND JOHN FOGERTY ARE GONNA PLAY LATER.
Melissa Etheridge is 53 years old. John Fogerty is 69 — he was borh the year WWII ended, for fuck’s sake. Kris Allen is 29, which I think makes him the youngest performer at any NHL event ever by roughly 60 years. I mean, I know this isn’t the Super Bowl and you’re never gonna get a Katy Perry-level spectacle, but come on. Were Imagine Dragons busy? I bet Metric would do it, seeing as how they did that Heritage Classic a few years back. I’m just saying there are options, guys.
This one comes from a friend of the blog! Well, a friend of me. She is no doubt 100% unaware of this blog and, in the event she is, has wisely never brought it up to me, because a series of awkward pauses and sighs and eye rolls isn’t much of a conversation. Anyway:
“Unquestionably believe that which you stated. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the web the simplest thing to be aware of.
I say to you, I definitely get irked while people think about worries that they plainly don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more.”
All formatting preserved from the individual post, mind you — I think it adds that little something extra, you know? Not that the content itself is lacking — I love this thing like my child. Actually: more so, since I don’t have any kids because kids are lame. Fuckin’ kids, am I right? You aren’t the future. I’M the future. Bitches.
Anyway, there’s a lot to unpack here. I mean, who doesn’t get irked while people think about worries that they plainly don’t know about? And who hasn’t ever hit the nail on the head top? And of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how nice it is to have a whole topic defined without…side…effects. I can take a signal, you know!
I think my favorite part has to be how it’s just glowing comment after glowing comment and the whole thing ends with a “will likely be back to get more.” Just the idea that there’s any uncertainty after all of that makes my brain smile.
Ahh…this is by far the lamest and lowest-effort recurring bit I do here but it’s easily my favorite. Never, ever change, comment spam. Or as I always say: “Unquestionably believe that which you stated!”
Remember that Game of War ad I picked apart a few pages back? Well while the whole world spent their Super Bowl commercial breaks speechless thanks to that Nationwide ad with the dead kid, I was busy rolling my eyes so hard at the new Game of War ad I thought I’d never see straight again. (Was that a ham-fisted enough intro? I sure hope so.)
Ready to get patronized again? Here we go:
You’ll notice that it takes exactly zero seconds before you’re introduced to the sexiness: Kate Upton is nude and being bathed by her servants. Jesus H. F. Christ, Jr., guys: at least the last spot waited until the end to showcase her bouncing, slow-motion cleavage. At this point, I’m impressed the rest of the commercial isn’t just a slow zoom into her rack with a small Game of War logo in the corner.
Just like before, this spot has a title: “Who I Am.” Guess how many times that title is A) mentioned outright or B) alluded to even slightly? I’ll give you a hint: it’s the same number that were persuaded to download Game of War because of the commercials (i.e. zero). So Kate Upton is dressed by her servants (boooooo) and then mounts her horse to ride into battle, resulting in a few more slow-mo shots of her bountiful bouncing baps (awwww yeah). Her acting is predictably terrible, though to be fair it’s not like she has the greatest material to work with: the writing in these spots ain’t exactly Tolkien territory.
To be fair, at least this spot actually alludes to the fucking game, which the last one didn’t do at all. Still: these ads aren’t just approaching Danica Patrick/GoDaddy territory, they’ve ridden a slow motion horse well past that territory. I fully expect the next ad to just be her wrestling a sexy female orc (played by Charlotte McKinney) in a kiddie pool full of oil while a voiceover talks about destiny or honor or some shit. At least that would be more transparent.
…our network goes down at work. It’s like a sign from the Gods that I have to spend the day blogging. Very well, Gods. I shall honor your wishes.
Let’s keep the Super Bowl train rolling with my favorite reaction to any event of all time: Mr. Donaldtron Trumpbot. Guess who he blamed for Seattle’s decision to throw the ball at the 1-yard line???
Yes, you read that right: Trump is blaming it on…President Obama. I know the whole “THANKS OBAMA” meme has taken off, but this, like everything else Donald Trump does, feels decidedly unironic. Also: “Same thought process!”? SAME THOUGHT PROCESS?? Same as…what? What is he even trying to say about Obama there? That throwing the ball from the 1-yard line is like Obamacare? That the Benghazi scandal was equivalent to not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch? This is just political for the sake of being political.
Man, there are like 500 things I want to write posts about lately and I’ve had like zero time to tackle any of them. Stupid real life getting in the way of posting outlandish steroid accusations and unnecessary rankings/lists of things!
Anyway, the biggest news in the last week was probably that awesome Super Bowl, in which the Patriots picked off a late-game pass attempt by Russell Wilson and caused Richard Sherman to do this:
Ahhhh, the schadenfreude — how delicious it is! I could watch this on loop all day long.
Anyway, I’ve got some more Sherman stuff coming up (spoilers: it involves his ultra-pretentious MMQB article from last week) and I’ve got some Super Bowl commercial thoughts too.
I guess this isn’t much of a post, now that I think about it. Oh well.