Man I’m hungry. You know what I want?? To be just like this asshole! Time to go to Subway. Upon opening the door I notice something: it smells like shit in here. What is that smell? Every Subway smells like it, and after leaving my clothes seem unable to shake the smell for hours. Oh well, I want to “Eat Fresh.” Ah! Here comes a greasier, less funny JD McNugent. Time to order. Let’s see what do I want… hmmm well Michael Phelps likes Subway, I think I heard he eats the turkey sando when he’s training and I came to Subway cuz it’s healthy. Why else would he, Justin Tuck, Apolo Ohno, Jerod Mayo, RGIII, and many more eat here?? So yea JD, let’s start with a footlong (what am I supposed to do, starve??) Italian Herb and Cheese bread. I’ll take turkey, American cheese…make that two cheeses, a little extra mayo, that really good chipotle mayo as well, some bacon, and some spinach cause I need some greens on there. What’s that? Hell yea I’ll make that a combo! I’ll take a cookie, Doritos, and a small size 32 ounce coke. The sandwich alone is 1200 calories and I haven’t even had my cookie yet. Thanks JD!
This is the typical Subway experience. And it’s total bullshit the way Subway advertises. They enlist top of the line athletes who can really eat whatever they choose and stay fit. They may eat Subway from time to time, but clearly it isn’t the fuel that keeps them going winning Super Bowls, Olympic golds, or what have you. And people of course are like: “buhhhhh Subway is healthy cuz my favorite Nascar driver eats there!”
Let’s not forget our favorite professional athlete, skinny fat champion Jared. Jared lost a ton of weight eating Subway and that’s cool, losing weight is hard and props to him for doing that. But Subway, even if you are eating the “healthiest” ingredients they offer, isn’t healthy. If you’ve ever eaten food of any remote sense of quality you know the bread, meats, cheeses, vegetables, etc. are all of the lowest possible quality. Shit, just read their bread ingredients list:
9-GRAIN WHEAT: Enriched wheat flour (wheat flour, malted barley flour, niacin, iron, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), water, yeast, whole wheat flour, sugar, contains 2% or less of the following: wheat gluten, oat fiber, soybean oil, wheat bran, salt, wheat, rye, yellow corn, oats, triticale, brown rice, barley, flaxseed, millet, sorghum, yeast nutrients (calcium carbonate, calcium sulfate, ammonium sulfate), vitamin D2, dough conditioners (DATEM, sodium stearoyl lactylate, potassium iodate, ascorbic acid, azodicarbonamide), caramel color, refinery syrup, honey, yeast extract, natural flavor, enzymes. Contains wheat.
Now, you’ll probably notice something right away. Their wheat bread contains wheat!!!!! Good thing they cleared that up. But really, 90% of their “9 grains” make up less than 2% of the ingredients. And sugar comes before all of those. Not to mention ammonium sulfate, DATEM (up, and DATEM!), sodium stearoyl lactylate, potassium iodate, ascorbic acid, and azodicarbonamide. I know, I know, traditional bread ingredients. The point is, most of Subway’s options read like this. Apparently “Eat Fresh” is referring to the recently cooked chemicals?
If you want an a low quality, shitty tasting, overly caloric meal where even the basics like bread have words you can’t pronounce, Subway may be your thing. But please Subway execs, tell the truth with your sponsors. Get Jared before he lost weight. Or a real life JD McNugent. Because you’re making dumb people fatter, contributing to life-changing diseases like diabetes, and making clothes smell bad everywhere. You suck.