Let’s say you create a new game for iOS and you really want people to buy it. Remember: the App Store is a crowded landscape with dozens of similar-looking games, so you’re gonna have to make sure yours really stands out from the crowd. Ideas?
Oh hey how about we get Kate Upton to wear a slutty dress and ride a horse?
This commercial is a masterpiece. The spot is named “Reputation” — how many times do we hear that word in the spot itself? Uh, zero. As far as I can tell, the commercial has nothing to do with “reputations” at all. We’ve already covered that Kate Upton is on a horse, and she’s wearing a suuuuper slutty dress that seems somewhat impractical for battle. She’s also giving a speech about…destiny or something? The reasons aren’t made especially clear. Put another way: If you took the last five seconds off of the commercial and didn’t tell people this was an ad for a game, would they be able to guess it? Would they even get close?
What really kicks this thing into high gear is just how truly, truly terrible Kate Upton is at acting. Shit, she’s barely even a model, let alone an actress. Her acting in this commercial is worse than Justin Verlander’s pitching last year (ooh, TMZ-style burn! That’s why you come to GG!) I half expected the minotaur to come out of the forest and keep going right into Kate Upton, because she is absolutely wooden (wood jokes! GG has still got it!).
To top it all off, I’ve learned nothing at all about the game except that maybe there’s a minotaur somewhere.
The last ten seconds are my favorite though, because that’s when we’re treated to gratuitous slow-motion footage of Kate Upton’s boobs bouncing around while she rides a horse. It’s as though the director was like “Look, I proved I can show restraint, there are like five seconds where her boobs aren’t even on the screen — just let me have this one, guys.” Pander away, you beautiful artist you. Pander away.
To recap: Kate Upton, boobs, awful acting, boobs, minotaur, game (?), boobs. Boobs. Boobs boobs boobs. Anyway, feel free to check out Boobs of War for yourself. Err, Game of Boobs. Boobs.