The United States of Oshie-merica

 

(Image via Getty Images via Puck Daddy)

 

Olympic hockey is happening right now. Wait, let me clarify: Olympic hockey is happening for T.J. Oshie — it’s just kind of happening to everyone else.

I know, I know: no snark, negativity or criticism? What’s glitchgoals coming to?? Sorry. I’m taking a minute to defer to the truest American hero of our time. T.J. Oshie is like Rocky meets Rambo (with a dash of every other cast member from The Expendables). He wins everything today.

-jsg

A Quick One-Act Play I Wrote

(Image Via)

 

….Vaguely based on ST’s awesome post and, unfortunately, my own life. Enjoy!

 

ACT I

[Interior: Divisional office building. Bright, fluorescent lights illuminate the hallways. The hushed tones of conferences calls offer ambient noise. Jon McComb, a mid-level manager, approaches the desk of Joe St. Germain.]

Yelp! I Need Somebody (to Smugly Describe Food at Places They’ve Been Like Once)

(Image Via)

A few years ago, ST drew my attention to the Yelp page for his dad’s business. There was only one review posted: An aggressive, incendiary 1-star review that effectively called ST’s dad a lecherous fraud whose office doubled as a terrifying sex dungeon. It sounds ridiculous, but this is barely an exaggeration (of the uh, review, not of his dad or the business).

Since I’m all about making a meaningful impact on the world as long as I don’t have to leave my computer, I decided I’d make my own Yelp profile to counter-balance that obviously fake review…with a 5-star fake review of my own. (Look, if life were a morality contest, would you REALLY want to win?)

My exposure to the site and the people who use it have taught me one thing above all else: Yelp is full of the most pretentious people you’ve ever met saying the most inane things imaginable about food, bar none — and the fact it’s a standard source of information on restaurants absolutely terrifies me.

OMG IZ DISS DA NEW TOM BRADY LOL?!??!?

I haven’t seen a shellacking like that since my pancake incident!  That was probably one of the most lopsided wins I’ve ever seen in a football game.  Shit, the Jags and Bucs played the Seahawks better than the Broncos.  

The Big Game

(JSG note: I changed the format of the blog and for some reason this post just BLEW UP the font size for some reason…and I can’t fix it no matter how hard I try. So we’re just gonna leave it for now. Sorry, ST! On the plus side, now we can share your post with people all the way across a room! Or with my grandparents from a few inches away.)

Want to have a productive discussion with an NFL fan??  Try bringing up who they think the best quarterback of all time is and why.  Their response will inevitably be: “bwuhhhhh who’s won the most Super Bowls again?”