A Quick One-Act Play I Wrote

(Image Via)

 

….Vaguely based on ST’s awesome post and, unfortunately, my own life. Enjoy!

 

ACT I

[Interior: Divisional office building. Bright, fluorescent lights illuminate the hallways. The hushed tones of conferences calls offer ambient noise. Jon McComb, a mid-level manager, approaches the desk of Joe St. Germain.]

JON

Hey, Joe. How’s your afternoon going so far? Happy Wednesday — I know, I am SO ready for this week to be over. It feels like it should be at least Thursday by now. Can you believe this weather? It’s just awful out there. I am just struggling this afternoon. It’s supposed to be worse this weekend, too, if you can believe it.

 

JOE

……..

 

JON

Ah, man…hey, listen, wanted to get your thoughts on a quick-and-dirty analysis you might be able to help us with. We’re trying to get some data around a few key subsets of customers that Corporate has identified as possible targets for our hyper-local efforts. We’re looking to take a snapshot of these customers and get really granular — basically, we want to build a holistic profile of them, and distill that into a few high-level takeaways for Senior Leadership.

 

JOE

…………..

 

JON

Hey, I totally understand — I totally get that this is a big ask on our part. Totally get it. Honestly? I feel bad even asking, but I know this is a very high-visibility project at Corporate, and they’re really looking to us to take the lead and get this one pushed out. Trust me, I’m not happy about this one either, but…it is what it is.

 

JOE

[Frightened] ……………………………

 

[Realizing this can’t be resolved by just ignoring it and never following up on it, as with most problems, Joe’s Brain enters]

 

JOE’S BRAIN

……What the fuck are we even being asked for here?

 

JON

Yeah, so, just to give you a bit of a background: Corporate asked us to do a deep-dive into our existing base to see what opportunities we might be missing from a sales perspective. We’ll want a lot of different cuts of the data to help paint the whole picture, really drill down on them and look for opportunities. Ideally, we’d love to leverage existing reporting, so that’s at least a good starting place, but the rest will probably have to be built for this one ad-hoc.

 

JOE’S BRAIN

Dude, this is seriously distracting me from distracting you from this job.

 

JOE

[Look of deep concern]

 

JON

So, here, why don’t we do this: I’ve already floated it past your boss, so let’s sync up sometime today to make sure we’re all on the same page. I’ll set up a quick call with everyone this afternoon. I’ve already got Dan start putting together a deck with a few other data points, and we’ll just slide this data in there once you’ve got something.

 

JOE

[ 😥 ]

 

JOE’S BRAIN

I can’t believe you’re wasting my time with this shit. I’m going back to daydreaming about plowing the pr girl.

 

JON

Ideally, we’re looking to have something in hand by the end of this week. I know, that’s a tight turnaround. I’ll circle back with you guys on Friday to see where we’re at. In the meantime, ping me if you have any questions, and I’ll help where I can. If it’s gonna take longer…I mean, that’s not ideal, but the sooner I know the sooner we can start to manage expectations.

 

JOE’S BRAIN

Alright, fuck this. [Exits]

 

JON

Hey, THANK YOU FOR THIS. I know, never a dull moment, that’s for sure…but hey, job security, right? Anyway — more to come on this one, for sure. I just wanted to put a bug in your ear so you weren’t TOTALLY blindsided by it. Anyway, I should get back to my desk. Again, thank you so much for your help on this. It’s just…it’s just crazy right now. Another day in paradise, right? Thanks Joe!

 

[Exeunt all. Flourish. Fin.]

 

-jsg

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A Quick One-Act Play I Wrote

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