Chevy Silverado: Official Truck of Monogamous, Heterosexual, Blue-Collar Republicans Everywhere

If you’ve ever seen a commercial for a pickup truck, you’ll notice that most companies are acutely aware of their target demographic. In fact, a fun drinking game might be to take a drink every time you see blue jeans, a cowboy hat, or a truck splashing through a huge puddle of mud. You’re effectively guaranteed to die of alcohol poisoning after three commercial breaks.

All of that being said, nothing takes the cake quite like this beauty from Chevrolet. They gave this one a full 60 seconds in featured timeslots, so clearly they believe in it. Which is funny, because give the thing a watch:

 

 

Are you feeling like a total loser yet? Has this commercial, with its cliched footage and ridiculous song, made you feel like worthless piece of shit that can’t measure up to a REAL man? Good – that means the ad is working, you lazy fucking Communist.

 

Let’s take this one bit at a time, shall we?

 

“He’s a 20 years straight get to work on time”

Already this commercial makes no sense. You’re telling me that for 20 years he’s never been even a MINUTE late? No unexpected traffic delays? No family emergencies to tend to? Not even a little car trouble? (Trick question: He’s driving a Chevy, so that’s clearly not the issue.)

Also, can we stop acting like being on time is some badge of honor? As though if you’re a totally shitty employee, there’s still something inherently valuable to your employer about sticking to a schedule? Hilariously, this message comes to us from a brand whose parent company famously went broke and had to be bailed out by the government – I wonder if General Motors’ board of directors always made it to work on time.

 

“He’s a love one woman for all his life”

In a commercial for a pickup truck, we’ve been given two key personality traits to prove what an upstanding man you are: timeliness to work and monogamy. We all know you can’t ACTUALLY be a strong or upstanding person unless you married your high school sweetheart and never once felt even the faintest attraction for another woman (or, God forbid, another man!!). Additionally, since we’re keeping score, here’s a quick list of other scenarios that totally preclude you from being a good person:

  • Admitting that your marriage isn’t working and seeking a separation
  • Being a single or unmarried parent
  • Being a single or unmarried person with a demanding career and no kids
  • Loving someone of the same sex
  • Dating around to ensure you’ve actually found the person you want to spend your life with
  • Dating around with no intent on finding true love
  • Being a woman that drives a Chevy Silverado

If any of these describe your life, you’re just not Chevy Silverado material. I’d suggest something like a Yugo or a Pinto – something as worthless and undependable as you are, bitch.

 

“Everybody knows he ain’t just tough – he’s strong”

Now we get to the heart of the matter: if you drive a Chevy truck, you’re not just tough, you’re strong. Wanna know how strong? Don’t worry, there’s a bunch of unnecessary clarifications coming up next!

 

“Strong – he’ll pick you up, won’t let you down/rock solid inside out/somebody you can trust/steady as the sun/ain’t no one gonna knock him off the road he’s rolling on”

Did you catch all that? If not, let me clarify: he’s strong. For those keeping score, this makes up like 50% of the song lyrics. Slightly different ways of saying the same thing make up half of the lyrics. Solid work there, Chevy. On a totally unrelated note, GM is on its way to another bankruptcy. Whaaaaat??

 

So just remember, next time you’re in the market for a car, be sure to check out the Chevy Silverado. As long as you have a blue collar job. And a wife of at least 15 years. And preferably some sort of kid with you that you can offer guidance to. Trust me, they WILL test you for that.

 

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Chevy Silverado: Official Truck of Monogamous, Heterosexual, Blue-Collar Republicans Everywhere

The New York Yankees Need a Mascot, and I’m Here to Help

Of all the trappings and traditions of pro sports, mascots are among the weirdest ones. They don’t get the team hyped, since athletes and coaches don’t need the help. They don’t really get fans involved, because most mascot antics distract them from the game. Shit, half the time the mascot isn’t even vaguely related to the team its representing (looking at you, Phillie Phanatic).

That said, the New York Yankees, arguably the most iconic franchise in the entire world, don’t have a mascot. I decided to change that. Hit the jump to meet him!

Continue reading “The New York Yankees Need a Mascot, and I’m Here to Help”

The New York Yankees Need a Mascot, and I’m Here to Help

So How’s That Cole Hamels Contract Looking So Far?

HamelsStinks

 

 

Remember when I wrote this post about the dangers of giving Cole Hamels such a massive contract extension? And remember how the Phillies, somehow overlooking this blog, gave him one anyway? Oh hey guess what (new info in red):

 

Basics
Zito: 222 starts, 102 wins (.618 win percentage)
Hamels: 199 starts, 85 wins (.594 win percentage)
Zito, Post-Extention: 140 starts, 43 wins (.413 win percentage)
Hamels, Post-Extension: 20 starts, 4 wins (.267 win percentage)

ERA
Zito: 3.55 ERA
Hamels: 3.38 ERA
Zito, Post-Extension: 4.55 ERA
Hamels, Post-Extension: 4.05 ERA

Adjusted ERA
Zito: 125 ERA+
Hamels: 125 ERA+
Zito, Post-Extension: 92 ERA+
Hamels, Post-Extension: 95 ERA+

WHIP
Zito: 1.250 WHIP
Hamels: 1.139 WHIP
Zito, Post-Extension: 1.407 WHIP
Hamels, Post-Extension: 1.225 WHIP

 

I know, crazy, right? An athlete in a contract year gets handed a big deal and then disappoints the next year? Now I’ve heard everything!

It’s only been part of one season, but I don’t think I’m overstating things when I say things are guaranteed to get comically worse for Hamels before they get better. I’m no sabermetrician, but I have him loosely penciled in for an 0-32 season in 2014, with a 14.52 ERA and approximately 391 home runs allowed.

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So How’s That Cole Hamels Contract Looking So Far?