Rethink Your Drink: An Economical Guide to Classy Intoxication

Weller? I hardly know'er!

(Image Via)

I don’t know how clear this is based on the content so far, but the sponsor of glitchgoals might as well be booze. In almost any form, really: beer, spirits, wine, cordials, rubbing alcohol diluted with orange juice, water diluted with Bud Light…really, whatever it takes. We love enjoying a few drinks from time to time, particularly to get the creative juices flowing.

But please, don’t get it twisted: ST and I aren’t irresponsible, nor are we trying to find the cheapest path to drunkenness – we DO have standards here. But we’re not suckers, either. I’d rather buy a fifth of gasoline and try to drink that than buy a fifth of Patron.

Surely there must be a middle ground, right? Like, at least ONE form of alcohol that is both delicious AND affordable? Well look no further, friends – Joe St. Germain has got you covered. Whatever your poison, hit that jump and find our recommendations!

Vodka: Ketel One

To be perfectly honest, vodka is one of my least favorite spirits: it has no inherent taste or flavor of its own, meaning it really needs to be mixed with other things to be worthwhile. Don’t believe me? Check out Pinnacle, which comes in 31 flavors as of this writing. Did you know they make cookie dough vodka? Or gummy vodka? Turns out they do. This is kind of what I meant about no inherent flavor.

But what’s really maddening about vodka is how popular and widely advertised it is. Seriously, based on TV commercials you’d think vodka was the most glamorous drink ever. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy to trick people into buying over-priced and overrated vodkas, eh? Fun fact: if a dude says their favorite vodka is Grey Goose, feel free to feel around in their pants for a vagina, since they apparently have one.

All of this brings me to my point: Ketel One is the best vodka in the entire world for its price. Where I live, a 750ml bottle of Ketel One costs $20. $20! You know how much Grey Goose costs? $35 at least. Ciroc is usually $33 at least. Fucking Absolut and Skyy cost just as much, if not more, than Ketel One – in an ideal world, this would literally be a crime. Ketel One is delicious and arguably tastes better than “top-shelf” vodkas, but it costs much less. Nice work, Holland! I guess you’ve given us more than Amsterdam and Tommy Wonder after all.

Gin: Leopold Bros. American Small-Batch Gin

I really wanted to limit this to major brands, but look: there just aren’t any good values in gin. I’m going to guess that any person who speaks highly of mainstream gin will mention one of the following: Tanqueray, Bombay Sapphire, or Hendrick’s. Right? Did I guess right? Of course I did – gin just doesn’t have any one stellar offering.

Besides, there’s a bigger problem: even these “nice” gins are WAY too juniper-y and don’t have enough botanical influence. Leopold Brothers, on the other hand, distill every ingredient separately. The end result is a gin that actually tastes palatable, with a depth of flavor that mainstream gins can’t even hope to capture.

If I HAD to pick one mainstream gin, I guess I’d go with Hendrick’s – it’s the best “value” insofar as it’s the only gin that doesn’t taste like eating a Christmas tree. But still, why subject yourself to that, you monster?

Rum: Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum

Sailor Jerry’s rum has a lot going for it: it’s 46% alcohol compared to a ton of 40% counterparts, it has a surprisingly smooth finish with a good depth of flavor…and oh, right, it’s incredibly cheap. I’ve never paid more than $20 for a bottle of this, and even if your results vary, odds are it’s still pretty affordable.

The thing that kills me about rum is this: Let’s say you walk into a bar and you order a rum and Coke, without specifying the rum. (Apparently you’re like, a 21 year old sorority girl in this scenario – just bear with me.) Standard well drink, right? If this were any other spirit, they’d give you something god awful, as you might expect. With rum, though, odds are you’ll get something like Malibu, a rum that sells for roughly the same price as Sailor Jerry. If you REALLY want to get fancy, you can order Bacardi, but that’s usually MORE expensive than this, and with a worse flavor and lower alcohol content. Again, it’s not about getting drunk, it’s about being economical. After all, there’s nothing more intoxicating than a good deal, right?? Well, besides alcohol – again, just bear with me.

Tequila: 1800 Silver

Tequila is probably my least favorite spirit of all, because its use is super limited compared to other spirits: most people order it in shots when they’re trying to black out and make unjustifiably bad choices. You can’t even substitute it out for a different spirit, as you could in a Martini (replacing gin with vodka). I find the easiest plan is just to replace tequila with a better spirit.

However, there’s nothing that beats a good margarita when you’re craving one, and although the secondary ingredients are just as important, having a solid base is key. Ideally, you want something distilled from 100% agave that won’t break your budget: check and check.

Just a reminder: If you order Patron, you’re an asshole of the highest order. I know you think it’s “so smooth” and “it just doesn’t burn like other tequilas” – fine. Just remember that 90% of your paying price is going to Patron’s marketing budget, which is spent entirely on ads that…make sure you retards keep buying Patron. God I hate Patron, and probably hate you. Also, nice baseball hat with the shiny stickers still attached, bro. Let me know how sophomore year is going!

Whiskey: Jameson Irish Whiskey

Look, I could dedicate a whole post to whiskey if I really wanted to – I’ve been drinking it for the better part of a decade now, enjoying countless styles and variants, and it’s far and away my favorite spirit of all. Picking just one for this list is like the Sophie’s Choice of pointless internet lists. Still, I’m not here to short-change you, so pick just one I did: Jameson, baby!

I actually used to not like Jameson, believe it or not, because I was more used to blended Canadian whiskeys. Still, having experienced more whiskeys than you can shake a stick at – including W.L. Weller, the picture at the start of this post – Jameson is the only mainstream whiskey that provides a great value. A fifth of it is roughly $20 (Ketel One prices!) and, despite being fairly common, it goes down smooth on its own AND mixes well.

Lastly, if anyone you ever meet mentions that they don’t like whiskey, just walk away. The temptation to punch them in the face will be too strong.

This post ended up a lot longer than I thought it would be, but that’s because alcohol is serious business. And again, this focused entirely on mainstream-ish brands – your local results may vary, and by all means explore as much as you can. Cheers, bitches!


Rethink Your Drink: An Economical Guide to Classy Intoxication

2 thoughts on “Rethink Your Drink: An Economical Guide to Classy Intoxication

  1. Honorable mention: Buffalo Trace. Shit’s delicious, and about the same price as J-Mo. I may have to do an article on it by itself. And let’s face it, Bourbon > Irish Whiskey. But I agree J-Mo is a deal and really good. Also, strictly for margaritas, Lunazul is pretty good and probably 3/4 the cost of 1800. Well done.

  2. joesaintgermain says:

    Agreed on Buffalo Trace – I would have gone with that or W.L. Weller based on personal preference, I just didn’t want to bend my own mainstream rule twice in one article. Because, you know, the Internet is serious business.

    Also I totally forgot about Lunazul – that shit is delicious.

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