Bitches Be Trippin’

(Image Via)

Despite the sarcastic and critical tone of glitchgoals, we really try not to trade in stereotypes very often: It’s bad that they paint entire groups of people in broad strokes, and it’s even worse that using them for comedic purposes is hackneyed, lowest common denominator stuff.

Case in point: This asshole trades almost entirely in stereotypes

But based on a handful of conversations I’ve had over the years, I’ve come across one unequivocal truth: Women have the absolute strangest set of “deal-breaker” standards for relationships in the entire world.

In theory, a “deal-breaker” should be mostly unique to a given person – it’s not rare to see multiple people have the same ones, but very seldom does one group of people express one universally. And yet, every woman I’ve ever met has the exact same answer to this question:

“Would you rather date a guy with a sexually-transmitted disease, or a guy with a pet bird?”

Now, the correct answer to this question is obviously the pet bird scenario. STDs aren’t all life-changingly negative or debilitating, but many of them, in addition to having negative side-effects for you yourself, are A) Still infectious to other future partners and B) Stay with you for the rest of your fucking life.

All of the women I’ve asked? (It’s about 15 or so, that’s pretty much statistically significant.) They all say that a pet bird is a bigger deal breaker. BRB guys I’m gonna go give up on life real quick:

/pours double-shot of whiskey
//sets shot glass aside, drinks rest of bottle

I’m not even saying I like birds here, since I’m sure they’re shitty pets in a lot of ways, but having a girlfriend with herpes would be a MUCH bigger deal to me than occasionally having to see a bird in her apartment. I mean, the bird lives in a cage – how disruptive is it really going to be to your relationship? Not to mention it’s ONLY a factor if you’re over at your SO’s place – if they come to yours or you’re out in public, guess what? That bird is a non-factor. You know what doesn’t come and go so easily? Chlamydia.

The best part about this is how every time I ask for clarification, I get some variation of the same answers:

  • “I mean, what kind of guy has a pet bird? That’s weird.”
  • “Birds are so gross – all they do is make noise and shit everywhere.”
  • “I guess we’re more open-minded about who we date than you.”

I love love LOVE the implication that writing off someone for having a potentially life-altering infection that could have a major influence on both of your lives is materially worse than pre-judging someone based on their choice of house pet (not to mention the implication that one choice is more open-minded or less judgmental than the other). I love it – I mean, how can you not? That logic is flawless!

So again, I really don’t love to deal in stereotypes, but just remember fellas: If you’re getting serious with a girl and you’re looking for a good way to break the news about your STD to her, just soften the blow by telling her you have a pet bird, then tell her you’re kidding and your REAL news is the disease. She’ll be thankful for the false alarm.

-jsg

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Bitches Be Trippin’

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