Remember that Game of War ad I picked apart a few pages back? Well while the whole world spent their Super Bowl commercial breaks speechless thanks to that Nationwide ad with the dead kid, I was busy rolling my eyes so hard at the new Game of War ad I thought I’d never see straight again. (Was that a ham-fisted enough intro? I sure hope so.)
Ready to get patronized again? Here we go:
You’ll notice that it takes exactly zero seconds before you’re introduced to the sexiness: Kate Upton is nude and being bathed by her servants. Jesus H. F. Christ, Jr., guys: at least the last spot waited until the end to showcase her bouncing, slow-motion cleavage. At this point, I’m impressed the rest of the commercial isn’t just a slow zoom into her rack with a small Game of War logo in the corner.
Just like before, this spot has a title: “Who I Am.” Guess how many times that title is A) mentioned outright or B) alluded to even slightly? I’ll give you a hint: it’s the same number that were persuaded to download Game of War because of the commercials (i.e. zero). So Kate Upton is dressed by her servants (boooooo) and then mounts her horse to ride into battle, resulting in a few more slow-mo shots of her bountiful bouncing baps (awwww yeah). Her acting is predictably terrible, though to be fair it’s not like she has the greatest material to work with: the writing in these spots ain’t exactly Tolkien territory.
To be fair, at least this spot actually alludes to the fucking game, which the last one didn’t do at all. Still: these ads aren’t just approaching Danica Patrick/GoDaddy territory, they’ve ridden a slow motion horse well past that territory. I fully expect the next ad to just be her wrestling a sexy female orc (played by Charlotte McKinney) in a kiddie pool full of oil while a voiceover talks about destiny or honor or some shit. At least that would be more transparent.
Here’s a quick breakdown of how that time was spent:
- 6 minutes (43%): Waiting for people to jump onto the call and recapping the names of everyone who had joined thus far
- 3 minutes (21%): Asking if there was any update on the data validation process since late last night (Note: The relevant parties with the answers to this question weren’t on the call)
- 1 minute (7%): Expressing that we really need an update on that validation process
- 4 minutes (29%): Painstakingly asking the entire group if they thought it was OK to end the call early while we wait for news on the validation process and planning another follow-up call once we know more
How is it possible to make 14 minutes feel so much like 14 days? With the exception of watching this video seven straight times or reading through our post history, is there any less productive way to spend 14 minutes? The real-life equivalent of this would be sitting down to make a sandwich and taking meticulous inventory of all your ingredients, expressing the plan to make a sandwich, and then setting up a second trip to the kitchen later to make the sandwich per the previously discussed plan. If people acted in real life like they do on conference calls, literally nothing would ever get done.
Workin’ hard or hardly workin’?!
My brother and I have had career paths as diametrically opposed as…huh, I can’t even think of a metaphor for this one. But it’s true: He’s spent very little time in a traditional office environment, I’ve been in one almost exclusively; I’m confined to pretty strict office hours, he’s just responsible for getting things done before a given deadline, no matter when that may be. Such is life when one of you is primarily an artist and the other is in finance. As a result, it’s possible people like him won’t fully appreciate the point of this post, but I’m going for it anyway (especially since I know ST is gonna feel me):
The traditional office structure, from the length of the workday to the types of interactions that take place to the pervasively toxic social atmosphere, is complete bullshit — and if your office is anything like mine, it’s actively harming your best employees.
Continue reading “Worklejerkin’ Hard or Hardly Worklejerkin’?? (Hint: It’s the first one)”
Quick quiz for you all: Name the most hipster-y place you can think of. Don’t Google it, just the first thing that comes to mind. (I don’t have any way of really enforcing this, but come on, be cool, I thought we were friends.) Alright, time’s up! What place did you pick?
Trick question: Of course you picked Portland. If not, then your first answer was probably Brooklyn, so give me the second-most hipster-y place you can think of. There we go, now it’s Portland.
It’s really not a terribly surprising choice, given the still-burgeoning reputation for it (thanks, Portlandia!) — and really, I don’t think anyone would argue that reputation isn’t deserved, what with the way the city and its residents present themselves. “Keep Portland Weird,” as the saying goes (the ultimate hipster move: stealing slogans from Austin, TX).
But if you somehow find yourself doubting the legitimacy of this reputation, don’t you worry — Willamette Week is here to help:
26 Reasons to Love Portland Right Now
This should be a fun one! All aboard the magical BrewCycle to the LEED-Certified Pretentiousness Station, kids!
Continue reading “This is Why People Find You Pretentious, Portland”
Because it’s way cheaper and healthier than the alternative, I’m pretty fond of cooking for myself, a fact that seems to take a lot of people by surprise for some reason. Many of them have even jokingly suggested that I should have my own cooking show, which is of course ridiculous: I have no culinary background or restaurant experience, my exposure to unique ingredients is incredibly limited, and most nights I’m too lazy to even cook so I rely on leftovers.
That said, you know what the easiest job in the entire world is? (Well, besides Antonio Cromartie’s alimony lawyer or Jay Leno’s joke writer.) Hosting a show on the Food Network. I know they want you to think it’s a tense and dramatic ordeal – hello, Next Food Network Star! – but in actuality you really only need the creativity of a desk lamp and charisma of a slightly charismatic desk lamp.
Join me, if you wish, as I teach you all there is to know about becoming a celebrity chef.
Continue reading “So You Wanna Be a Food Network Host”
I started college in 2004 with jsg. We had both freshly finished high school with decent marks, enough to get into a long, long list of community colleges. We even qualified for some full-fledged universities. I am not sure of his perspective on this, but I had always learned that you grew up, went to college, and emerged with a good paying job and ample advancement opportunities. Turns out that is totally bullshit. So PLEASE don’t go college.
Continue reading “PLEASE Don’t Go to College (Unless Your REALLY Know What You Are Doing)”
Well folks, tomorrow is Black Friday, everyone’s favorite time of year!!! I thought the Best Buy/long line mashup photo captured the idiocy of Black Friday perfectly.
Now, I’ve never shopped on Black Friday (at least intentionally…maybe bought some beer at 7-11 or something) but from what I can tell, people think it’s the day to save a bundle on the goods on their Christmas lists. Claaaaasic stupid Americans.
Continue reading “BLACK FRIDAY!!!”