You Have Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me

Remember that Game of War ad I picked apart a few pages back? Well while the whole world spent their Super Bowl commercial breaks speechless thanks to that Nationwide ad with the dead kid, I was busy rolling my eyes so hard at the new Game of War ad I thought I’d never see straight again. (Was that a ham-fisted enough intro? I sure hope so.)

Ready to get patronized again? Here we go:

You’ll notice that it takes exactly zero seconds before you’re introduced to the sexiness: Kate Upton is nude and being bathed by her servants. Jesus H. F. Christ, Jr., guys: at least the last spot waited until the end to showcase her bouncing, slow-motion cleavage. At this point, I’m impressed the rest of the commercial isn’t just a slow zoom into her rack with a small Game of War logo in the corner.

Just like before, this spot has a title: “Who I Am.” Guess how many times that title is A) mentioned outright or B) alluded to even slightly? I’ll give you a hint: it’s the same number that were persuaded to download Game of War because of the commercials (i.e. zero). So Kate Upton is dressed by her servants (boooooo) and then mounts her horse to ride into battle, resulting in a few more slow-mo shots of her bountiful bouncing baps (awwww yeah). Her acting is predictably terrible, though to be fair it’s not like she has the greatest material to work with: the writing in these spots ain’t exactly Tolkien territory.

To be fair, at least this spot actually alludes to the fucking game, which the last one didn’t do at all. Still: these ads aren’t just approaching Danica Patrick/GoDaddy territory, they’ve ridden a slow motion horse well past that territory. I fully expect the next ad to just be her wrestling a sexy female orc (played by Charlotte McKinney) in a kiddie pool full of oil while a voiceover talks about destiny or honor or some shit. At least that would be more transparent.

You Have Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me

More Like “Game of Snore” Am I Right?

Let’s say you create a new game for iOS and you really want people to buy it. Remember: the App Store is a crowded landscape with dozens of similar-looking games, so you’re gonna have to make sure yours really stands out from the crowd. Ideas?

Oh hey how about we get Kate Upton to wear a slutty dress and ride a horse?

This commercial is a masterpiece. The spot is named “Reputation” — how many times do we hear that word in the spot itself? Uh, zero. As far as I can tell, the commercial has nothing to do with “reputations” at all. We’ve already covered that Kate Upton is on a horse, and she’s wearing a suuuuper slutty dress that seems somewhat impractical for battle. She’s also giving a speech about…destiny or something? The reasons aren’t made especially clear. Put another way: If you took the last five seconds off of the commercial and didn’t tell people this was an ad for a game, would they be able to guess it? Would they even get close?

What really kicks this thing into high gear is just how truly, truly terrible Kate Upton is at acting. Shit, she’s barely even a model, let alone an actress. Her acting in this commercial is worse than Justin Verlander’s pitching last year (ooh, TMZ-style burn! That’s why you come to GG!) I half expected the minotaur to come out of the forest and keep going right into Kate Upton, because she is absolutely wooden (wood jokes! GG has still got it!).

To top it all off, I’ve learned nothing at all about the game except that maybe there’s a minotaur somewhere.

The last ten seconds are my favorite though, because that’s when we’re treated to gratuitous slow-motion footage of Kate Upton’s boobs bouncing around while she rides a horse. It’s as though the director was like “Look, I proved I can show restraint, there are like five seconds where her boobs aren’t even on the screen — just let me have this one, guys.” Pander away, you beautiful artist you. Pander away.

To recap: Kate Upton, boobs, awful acting, boobs, minotaur, game (?), boobs. Boobs. Boobs boobs boobs. Anyway, feel free to check out Boobs of War for yourself. Err, Game of Boobs. Boobs.

More Like “Game of Snore” Am I Right?