Remember that Game of War ad I picked apart a few pages back? Well while the whole world spent their Super Bowl commercial breaks speechless thanks to that Nationwide ad with the dead kid, I was busy rolling my eyes so hard at the new Game of War ad I thought I’d never see straight again. (Was that a ham-fisted enough intro? I sure hope so.)
Ready to get patronized again? Here we go:
You’ll notice that it takes exactly zero seconds before you’re introduced to the sexiness: Kate Upton is nude and being bathed by her servants. Jesus H. F. Christ, Jr., guys: at least the last spot waited until the end to showcase her bouncing, slow-motion cleavage. At this point, I’m impressed the rest of the commercial isn’t just a slow zoom into her rack with a small Game of War logo in the corner.
Just like before, this spot has a title: “Who I Am.” Guess how many times that title is A) mentioned outright or B) alluded to even slightly? I’ll give you a hint: it’s the same number that were persuaded to download Game of War because of the commercials (i.e. zero). So Kate Upton is dressed by her servants (boooooo) and then mounts her horse to ride into battle, resulting in a few more slow-mo shots of her bountiful bouncing baps (awwww yeah). Her acting is predictably terrible, though to be fair it’s not like she has the greatest material to work with: the writing in these spots ain’t exactly Tolkien territory.
To be fair, at least this spot actually alludes to the fucking game, which the last one didn’t do at all. Still: these ads aren’t just approaching Danica Patrick/GoDaddy territory, they’ve ridden a slow motion horse well past that territory. I fully expect the next ad to just be her wrestling a sexy female orc (played by Charlotte McKinney) in a kiddie pool full of oil while a voiceover talks about destiny or honor or some shit. At least that would be more transparent.
…our network goes down at work. It’s like a sign from the Gods that I have to spend the day blogging. Very well, Gods. I shall honor your wishes.
Let’s keep the Super Bowl train rolling with my favorite reaction to any event of all time: Mr. Donaldtron Trumpbot. Guess who he blamed for Seattle’s decision to throw the ball at the 1-yard line???
Yes, you read that right: Trump is blaming it on…President Obama. I know the whole “THANKS OBAMA” meme has taken off, but this, like everything else Donald Trump does, feels decidedly unironic. Also: “Same thought process!”? SAME THOUGHT PROCESS?? Same as…what? What is he even trying to say about Obama there? That throwing the ball from the 1-yard line is like Obamacare? That the Benghazi scandal was equivalent to not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch? This is just political for the sake of being political.
Man, there are like 500 things I want to write posts about lately and I’ve had like zero time to tackle any of them. Stupid real life getting in the way of posting outlandish steroid accusations and unnecessary rankings/lists of things!
Anyway, the biggest news in the last week was probably that awesome Super Bowl, in which the Patriots picked off a late-game pass attempt by Russell Wilson and caused Richard Sherman to do this:
Ahhhh, the schadenfreude — how delicious it is! I could watch this on loop all day long.
Anyway, I’ve got some more Sherman stuff coming up (spoilers: it involves his ultra-pretentious MMQB article from last week) and I’ve got some Super Bowl commercial thoughts too.
I guess this isn’t much of a post, now that I think about it. Oh well.
It’s finally here, America! Rejoice in the moment. Eat until you hate yourself, drink until you love everyone and root your heart out for the winning coach to punch Roger Goodell in his stupid fucking face. And most of all, never forget:
“Every team seeks an Us-Against-The-World, Nobody-Believes-In-Us mentality. They think it provides some kind of an edge even when a Super Bowl is on the line and you wouldn’t think any edge is needed. So it’s often invented.
New England is in its sixth Super Bowl with Belichick and Tom Brady, it goes to the playoffs every season, it’s always a league favorite. Trying to figure out a way to be the underdog, the doubted, the victim, it’s nearly impossible.
At least until now.”
Just remember where you heard it first, folks: from your pal JSG. See? Once you get past the fact that I swear a lot and make way too many references to drinking and I’m prone to run-on sentences and I don’t really remember all the rules of grammar, I’m basically right there as a sportswriter. YOU’RE WELCOME.
CNN.com Recently Published/Updated – Lynch faces Congress in attorney general hearing – 1 hour ago
Wow — I knew the NFL was upset with Marshawn Lynch for his standoffish attitude toward the media, but a Congressional hearing?! That seems wildly excessive to me — Roger Goodell has gone mad with power!
If he’s coming down this hard on Lynch for his media availability, what can we expect from Deflategate?! My guess is a military tribunal in which the Patriots are found to have violated the Geneva Convention, subsequently resulting in their public executions. Consider this a shot across the bow, ballboys.
“I’m not even mad — I’m just disappointed,” said Russell Wilson. “I just thought they were better than that.” K.J. Wright added: “To say I’m sad is an understatement. We can move past it…I’m willing to forgive it, but I won’t forget it.”
“Sigh…where did we go wrong? Is this our fault? Are we bad teammates?”