Ode to Florio

Sorry for the glut of football posts lately, dear readers. (Well, not really, but that sounded better than being standoffish, right, assholes?) It’s just that football season is in full swing and there are a lot of really great things to talk about. My personal favorite thing today? Glad you didn’t at all ask but I will proceed to tell you anyway!

ST and I talk about this a lot, but Mike Florio of PFT is just a dreadful writer sometimes. He’s honestly like the Tim McCarver of print media. We can’t and won’t disparage PFT’s content, which is beyond reproach, but ST and I have joked for years about how awkward and ham-fisted his intros are. Love the guy, but hate the quasi-erudite-forced-linguistic-connections style.

Don’t believe it’s that bad? Check it:

 

“On the field, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson’s career has been defined by collisions.  Specifically, collisions he initiates with defenders over which he is running.  Off the field, a collision that will define the rest of Peterson’s 2014 season could be happening on Monday.”

 

Wooooooof. Florio, buddy…surely there has to be an easier way to express that. I’m not sure you could add more words to that if you tried. But since JSG loves a good challenge, I’m gonna try anyway:

 

“On the field, where Vikings running back Adrian Peterson plays the game of football, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson’s career has been defined by collisions.  Specifically, collisions he initiates with defenders over which he is running, due to the fact he is Adrian Peterson, an NFL running back playing a football game.  Off the field, a collision that will define the rest of Peterson’s 2014 season could be happening on Monday. This collision, however, won’t be one with an NFL defender. It’ll be with a different kind of defender — the legal kind. And this isn’t any ordinary defender, either: it’s the Lawrence Taylor of meting out league justice, Roger Goodell, who will ultimately be in Peterson’s way. And although Peterson is used to running over defenders during games, he’s sure to find that he won’t simply be able to run over these ones, and that the justice system the NFL has in place is far from a game of any kind. There’s a reason they call a legal enterprise a practice, but this is one practice Peterson has no experience dealing with and probably wishes he could sit out — and even though Peterson’s own views on justice and discipline are warped and awful, he’s going to find out very soon that the commissioner of the NFL’s version is a lot different. The player who was once the most prominent member of the Vikings backfield is going to need something prominent to happen to make it back on the field at all.”

 

How about that? You guys feel like you’ve sufficiently grasped the point yet? I hope so, because I read back through that and I’m not even sure I could add to it even if I wanted to. Again, Florio, love you and your site but damn, son. Damn. Or, as you might put it:

 

“Mike Florio makes his living writing about football players. Sometimes, though, that living becomes writing off football players, which is what Mike Florio recently did when writing about beleaguered Vikings running back Adrian Peterson.”

 

So much easier!

 

–jsg

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Ode to Florio

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