Hey guys! Remember this video from a few years back? If you don’t, please don’t hit play — just…trust me, if you do your eyes, ears and/or genitals will explode in a mixture of anger and depression I call depranger.
(Actually, you know what? Real-time update: Please DO watch this. This is possibly the worst/funniest thing I’ve ever seen…and I’m writing this update 27 SECONDS INTO THE VIDEO. This thing is amazing, and probably deserves its own post breaking down how bad it is. I won’t do it, mind you, because I expect that by the 45 second mark all I’ll be able to say is “:(” like 17 million times, but still. Awesomely awful video.)
This is “Crank That” by Soulja Boy. Seems pretty inoffensive at first, right? Well here’s the real message of this song’s chorus: “Crank that Soulja Boy and Superman that ho!” Odds are you do remember this song, BTW, because everyone and their grandmother’s sister’s autistic gay dog did a parody video that they wished would go viral or whatever — it was like “Call Me Maybe” from a decade ago. This song was a runner-up for Best Rap Song (!) at the Grammys (!!). Even though my feelings on the Grammys are clear and well-documented, that’s a lot of notoriety for a song that’s about…wait, what IS this song about, anyway?
Oh. Oh I see. It’s about doing a stupid dance move and ejaculating on your partner’s back, slapping a sheet on it and letting it stick, a la Superman’s famous cape.
Yeah, I know. Ridiculous, right? That’s not even the best part (or, you know, even the point of this post yet. This preamble is pretty long — turns out I have a lot to say on this ridiculous thing.) If you do a Google search for “Superman that ho,” the top four (!!!! [that was one exclamation point for each link]) links are to various Urban Dictionary entries with different spellings of this phrase. Which one is the “correct” one? Let’s go by which is most popular in terms of percentage of positive votes!
|“Superman that ho”||1,319||204||86.6%|
|“Superman dat hoe”||4,884||905||84.4%|
|“Superman a Ho”||2,252||997||69.3%|
|“Superman dat ho”||801||372||68.3%|
There you have it: official spelling from here on out is “Superman that ho.” Very proper spelling preferences, Urban Dictionary!
In any case, we can all mostly agree this is pretty gross, right? Or at the very least pretty ridiculous? The entire concept of “Superman[ning] that ho” is the kind of thing a depraved pervert lunatic would come up with, and whoever coined the phrase should be ashamed of themselves. Buuuuuuut on an unrelated note, it DID get me thinking: What other superhero terms would make for great sex terms? Well I’m glad you asked, fellow morally-superior friend! Let’s find out after the jump!
Even though Superman is off the table, I think it will be an illustrative example of how I’m gonna format the rest of this post. Take a look:
Superman: Ejaculating on your partner’s back and allowing the sheets to stick to it, so when they wake up they have a “cape.”
Person most likely to popularize: Soulja Boy (obviously, right?)
See how this is gonna go? So with that in mind, let’s get to the rest!
Spiderman: Pumping your penis a few times and shooting your semen all over your partner in one long, sticky rope. This usually leaves them incapacitated, for grossly obvious reasons.
Person most likely to popularize: Soulja Boy (I have to think he wants to make it like, a theme)
Hulk: Halfway through your mild-mannered love-making session you fly into an uncontrollable rage, throwing your partner around the room and breaking most of the things in it. They are equal parts aroused, relieved, terrified and impressed.
Person most likely to popularize: Hope Solo/Jerramy Stevens (tie)
Batman: You find a girl you’re interested in and use your considerable means to plan an elaborate scheme to murder her parents and make it look like an accident. When she stumbles upon their bodies, you lose the costume and turn back into your normal charismatic self . Then you offer to console her during her time of need — culminating in a sweet, sad bedroom bone sesh.
Person most likely to popularize: Phil Hartman’s kids
The Flash: As soon as foreplay begins, you’ve already finished…but, impressively enough, you’ve also already left the place with nary a sign you were even around in the first place.
Person most likely to popularize: Whoever is most like Jason Biggs’ character in American Pie in real life. Probably Jason Biggs, actually
Rogue: After spending what feels like an eternity waiting for your opening, you anxiously go in to kiss the girl you’re pining for, only to have her stop you and, with sadness in her voice, caution “Please don’t…I’ll just end up hurting you, trust me. You’re really great, but…look, I should go. Sorry about this. You really are great, and you’ll make some girl really happy someday.” She Rogued you, man. She totally Rogued you.
Person most likely to popularize: Every girl I’ve ever liked 😦
Catwoman: As soon as you’ve finished hooking up, you call your cat over to the bed and start talking to it in that high-pitched cat voice you do (you KNOW the one). When your lover tries to get back into the picture, you turn your back and focus your attention solely on the cat, even reaching for your phone to snap a few pics that will ultimately go on Instagram.
Person most likely to popularize: Hopefully not you, ladies! (Nailed it)
Robin: Like Batman, except you’re so worthless and ineffective at everything you try that you fall over on approach and the girl leaves, shaking their head and wondering why they were even there in the first place, you stupid loser. Simultaneously, all your old failed romantic conquests ask “Oh man, I wonder what THAT guy’s up to?”
Person most likely to popularize: The guy who played Billy the Blue Ranger on Power Rangers (because I mean, right?)
Professor Xavier: Overthinking every romantic move I’ve ever made so that I fall into a paralyzing state of rumination and regret that renders my body almost physically incapable of basic motor function, let alone making love. Wait, why did my initial draft of this sentence have so many first-person pronouns?
Person most likely to popularize: No comment
Human Torch: Brimming with drunken confidence from a night at the bar, you take home the douchey but reasonably attractive person you’ve been making eye contact with all night. When you wake up, they’re about four points lower than you were expecting — but hey, joke’s on them, since you totally just gave them Chlamydia. Their memory of this awful encounter will be that burning sensation that creeps up from time to time. Flame On!
Person most likely to popularize: Every girl I’ve ever liked (you’re all sluts! I’m not still into any of you!)
Cyclops: You whip out your penis and show your lover your “Cyclops,” expecting them to laugh. They don’t. For added effect, you put sunglasses on it. They still don’t laugh, even though this like, TOTALLY killed at the Pi Sig initiation. What the F, brah?
Person most likely to popularize: Every frat pledge ever (brah, seriously, we’re so fucking funny brah, I wish we had a recording of all the funny shit we come up with just hanging out)
Dr. Octopus: Your penis is actually eight penises, each somehow more disgusting than the last. It’s like a gross Mobius strip of virility. You use all of them to immobilize and violate your pixelated girlfriend, which may or may not be an inflatable pillow with an anime girl on it. OK, it definitely is.
Person most likely to popularize: Japan (the entire country)
Aquaman: Letting curiosity get the better of you and trying to have sex with an aquatic creature — and mostly succeeding, mostly because no one pays attention.
Person most likely to popularize: Stu Tiggle
Any heroes I missed? Hit me up in those comments!