Infomercials aren’t exactly known for their noteworthy acting or revolutionary inventions – I don’t think any reasonable person would disagree with that. Unless you want to improve your golf game or silently torture your dog or quickly but effectively rupture your eardrums or be a boring, boner-killing prude, there’s not much utility these things will give you. Infomercial makers seem to realize this, and that’s possibly why the acting is so outrageously bad and they air during the dead of night.
They’re so bad, they’re hardly even worth writing about, right? WRONG. I’m about to walk you through the most incredible infomercial ever, and it will be worth every glorious second. Hit that jump for the play-by-play!
Just in case you’re too lazy to scroll up, here’s the video again:
Quick note before we begin: This infomercial is so long and so awesome, it had to be broken down into two parts on YouTube. We’ll have a brief intermission between them for your benefit, possibly featuring pictures of cute animals wearing hats or something. I dunno, I never really think that far ahead.
0:01 — Right off the bat, you’re reminded that “the program you are watching is a paid advertisement for the Magic Bullet.” Thank God for that disclaimer! I mean, with how authentic the next 20 minutes are going to be, it would be easy to get lost.
0:03 — We’ve barely even established that we’re in a kitchen and already we’re treated to a bald schlub of a man walking in to an incredibly cheery “Good morning, Berman!” from our female lead, followed by an exasperated “Ugh, God, not so loud!” It’s immediately apparent from his slackened tie and plaid suit (not to mention his stupid fat bald head and sensitive hearing) that Berman is a bit of a lush, a point quickly confirmed by our male lead when he offers “Here, what about a bit of the hair of the dog that bit ya?” Unbelievable, right? It took literally ten seconds to dive into the art of stereotyping. What, would hiccuping and carrying a jug that says “XXX” have been too obvious?
Foreshadowing: This is the first in a series of pointless moments of character development during the infomercial.
0:15 — A new couple enters the room while our drunk friend is sipping on a smoothie. They both request smoothies of their own, leading to this exchange:
New Girl: Mmm, that looks good. Can I have one of those?
New Guy: Yeah, me too. What kind do you have?
Male Lead: What kind would you like? He’s got strawberry-banana.
New Guy: Got any berries?
…Look at New Guy’s eyes at the 0:22 mark.
He is literally INCHES from TWO fruit baskets/plates. Did he really need to ask this question?
0:22 — “Sure I’ve got berries! I’ve got some raspberries, I’ve got some blueberries, I’ve got some strawberries.”
We, uh…we knew you had strawberries, man. You introduced the whole concept by mentioning Berman was drinking a strawberry-banana smoothie.
0:38 — Our Male Lead puts a smoothie on the blender base, revealing the amazing MAGIC BULLET blender for the first time. And watch as it makes a smoothie in just five seconds!
0:45 — Seven seconds later, he stops blending the smoothie. “About five seconds” indeed!
Additional point: So much for “what kind would you like?” This guy just straight up made whatever the fuck he wanted. What a dick.
Second additional point: I know it’s pedantic (we might as well rename this blog pedanticgoals), but strawberries technically aren’t berries.
0:54 — “What is that, a personal…smoothie maker?”
Thanks for that invaluable clarifying question, New Girl. By that logic, isn’t every home blender a personal smoothie maker?
0:57 — A dude who has been sitting at the counter the whole time, unimpressed by the personal smoothie maker, asks “Any chance of getting a REAL breakfast?” His wife/girlfriend/surprisingly clingy hooker gives him this embarrassed head shake, as though she’s saying “Oh you, you are just incorrigible when it comes to breakfast foods!” Again with the pointless character development – as though this is adding legitimacy to the situation. We’re not even a minute in, and I love every second.
1:10 — This dude asks for everything put in his omelette, prompting laughter from the group. Sorry, but IS this funny? The girl in the kitchen is the one with the cutting board full of ready-made and blender-friendly omelette ingredients right there, after all.
1:17 — Omelette mixing commences.
1:22 — Omelette mixture is removed – all in “three seconds,” says our main girl after five seconds. I’m all for selling convenience, but these are some pretty generous second counts, guys. As though anyone at home is thinking “No WAY would I tolerate a machine that mixes omelette ingredients slower than four seconds, goddamnit!”
“Now, while that’s cooking, can I interest anybody in any coffee?”
“Where’s your coffee grinder, I’ll help!”
“Oh, sit down and relax. We don’t need a coffee grinder, because in less than ten seconds – “
” – We’re going to have this motorized, bladed machine totally replace that worthless coffee grinder and grind some coffee!”
1:46 — Nothing really of note here while coffee is grinding, but I DO love that he suggests a fine grind of coffee is for “expresso.” Long live pedanticgoals!
2:00 — Our female lead offers Omelette Guy (who we learn is named Ike) his omelette. Just a reminder, she blended that 43 seconds ago. Sure, eggs usually cook that fast, alright, cool.
2:08 — Female lead is back at it! She asks “What would breakfast be like without your favorite type of fresh-baked muffins?” I mean, so far we’ve made smoothies, coffee, an omelette and now muffins? Jesus lady, my normal breakfast is a cup of granola and one piece of toast. Settle down.
“Did somebody say muffins??”
“Yes we did, Hazel!”
Evidently I spoke too soon, since our newest character, Hazel, is ALL about those muffins. And bless Hazel’s stereotypical little heart, she comes shuffling in wearing her pajamas and – wait for it – smoking a cigarette. Goddamnit, guys, there are movies that don’t pack this much character development in to two HOURS, let alone two minutes!
2:23 — Our leads are demonstrating how easy it is to make muffin batter, and our male lead mentions how “it takes no more time or trouble to make two or three different kinds of muffins than it does to make one!” Two issues with this:
- This presupposes you have two or more identical Magic Bullet blenders in your kitchen, ready to go at a given time – and I mean, why wouldn’t you??
- Sure, making any kind of muffin batter is pretty easy – when you are adding fresh fruit into a cup FULL OF PRE-MADE BATTER.
Also, I feel compelled to point out that my ideal “blueberry muffin” isn’t just a blue-colored muffin with blueberries pulverized inside of it – I prefer a normal muffin with, you know, fresh and fully-intact blueberries. The kind that our girl host was talking about when the haphazardly threw them into her magical blender. Who the fuck does that??
3:20 — We trudge through some pr flak about the blender itself before we arrive at Ike’s crazy hooker friend remarking “Wow, that’s a lot easier to use than all the appliance contraptions we got for wedding gifts!” Whoops, guess that is his wife after all, unless they have a weird Pretty Woman situation going on. But can I just say how much I love the phrasing “appliance contraptions?” She sounds like my grandparents referring to cordless telephones.
3:40 — Unlike “complicated machines” that “are so big and clumsy,” the Magic Bullet “takes up no more room on your countertop…than a regular-sized coffee mug.”
3:54 — Berman expresses skepticism about how effective this thing really is, so our hosts are ready to prove it with more foolproof examples:
Male Lead: Well let me ask you: What is the WORST job you have to do in the kitchen?
Female Lead: And almost every meal starts with it!
Hazel: Chopping garlic – stinky, nasty garlic!
FUCK IT I’M CONVINCED BUY ME 17 NEW MAGIC BULLETS ASAP
This is the worst job we have to do in the kitchen? I’m no professional, but chopping garlic doesn’t take much time at all, and the knife does most of the work. And “almost every meal starts with” garlic? Where was that in our omelette earlier then, you fucking liars?? Also, I feel like I should be building to this, but every time they prep a new dish they start with a clean blending cup and blade. How many seconds do you think it takes to clean these things between uses, guys?
Anyway, let’s see how easy it is to chop garlic in here.
4:11 — “All you do is give it one -“
4:13 — “Two – “
4:17 — “Three seconds!”
There you have it! A definitive three seconds. Half the time it would take to use a simple knife and cutting board, and all we had to do was get out our Magic Bullet base, find a clean top and blade for it, peel and ready our garlic and throw it into the blender! Flawless.
4:28 — “You know what? The worst job for me is chopping onions!”
TOTALLY dissimilar to garlic, and clearly much worse.
5:37 — Our lead woman promises us a “quick, tasty lunch from leftovers.” Remember how I pointed out that the writers tried to interject personality at every moment?
Lead Girl: I’ve got some grilled chicken here – from last night’s barbecue [laughing like they all share some memory of how awesome that BBQ was and how great the chicken was, I guess? I don’t even know anymore].
[5:47 – she adds “a squeeeeeze of mayo” – in this case like a legit half cup, which is a lot of fucking mayo]
Lead Guy: Ah ah ah ah – just to spice it up a bit, my favorite, little bit of curry powder!
Lead Girl: Curry powder for everything! [Laughs]
And AGAIN with the weird character development moments! As though “Oh, more curry powder, eh??” is prompting women at home to elbow their husbands and say “Haha it’s so true! You ALWAYS add curry powder! I identify with that.”
6:08 — After a legit 11 seconds, we have chicken salad. Our male lead drives it home by exclaiming this chicken salad was made “in less time than it takes to toast the bread!” Unless your toaster is some sort of weird contraption where you toast the bread using the power of the sun concentrated on a perpetually hot solar panel, odds are your toast SHOULD take longer than your chicken salad. It’s not like chicken salad is a six-second lunch altogether, right?
Oh. Well then. I guess toasting bread, slicing tomatoes and lettuce and preparing a side slaw of some kind is considered easy prep for this incredibly low-effort lunch!
So there you have part one. I’m legitimately at a higher word count than most of my college essays, and we still have a whole second half to go – lucky you! And lucky me, since I’ve committed to this bit and I’m not letting it go based on some weird, misguided principle of entertainment. So lucky you…? Anyway: see you at intermission!