As someone who is entirely responsible for feeding himself, I’ve found I really like watching Food Network. They’ve got plenty of quality shows that offer inspiration of things you can make yourself, you can learn plenty of good cooking habits and kitchen tips from their huge roster of chefs – and shit, when you just want to go out and find a great local place, they’ve got shows that help you with that too.
That said, it’s not like the channel is nothing but rainbows and unicorns here – there’s plenty of things I hate about it as well. Most notably: Cupcake Wars. Fuck Cupcake Wars right in its stupid face. (I actually wanted to make that the title of this post, but I felt like I should build to that).
The YouTube video embedded above is the promo they’re currently running for the 2013 season of the show, and the pseudo-drama starts building immediately. Manufacturing tension in your show isn’t a new concept – reality shows have been doing it for years now – but they do know this is a show about people who bake MOTHERFUCKING CUPCAKES, right?
As if the entire concept of calling a baking competition a “war” wasn’t bad enough, the commercial closes with this line:
“The battle for cupcake domination will be legendary.”
Read that again. Go ahead, I’ll wait. It’s only eight words, it shouldn’t take you long unless you’re Jenny McCarthy.
Not that I really need to, but let’s break this sentence down a little further:
- “The battle” — We’re only two words in and the hyperbole has already started. I don’t mind this so much, since the show is technically a competition and all, but it’s a pretty inauspicious start.
- “For cupcake domination” — You read that right, folks – cupcake domination. I honestly don’t think it’s possible to pick a less intimidating subject to build this level of drama around.
I mean, honestly. This would be like if the Puppy Bowl started promoting itself like it was motherfucking Game of Thrones.
- “Will be legendary” — Aaaaand this kicks the whole sentence up like 500 more notches. Not only is this cupcake-baking contest already inappropriately dramatic, but we’re promised that it will be legendary. I mean, Christ, not even the NFL pimps the Super Bowl this crazily (!)
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I don’t think I’m out of line in saying that this is the most ridiculously hyperbolic thing in the entire human history of existence.
(Squid cupcake original photo via Spoonful.com)