Teach Your Children Well

Get it? It’s like the title of my post is the name of the song. Comedy 101, people. Be sure to tune in to my HBO stand-up special next month!

Anyway, the point today is something that I’ve had in mind for a while that was exacerbated by something I ready today. This gem of a USA Today article takes the NFL to task for letting Beyonce sluttily sex up the stage at the Super Bowl.



Seriously though, go read the whole thing and marvel at how fucking preachy it is – it’s like Aaron Sorkin and Bill Maher had an atheist baby and named Richard Dawkins the godfather.

In case that somehow didn’t convince you to read, it’s basically just one woman’s lament about how Beyonce isn’t an ideal role model for young girls because she’s “wasting her talent” with a “peep show” Super Bowl performance – and, apparently most importantly, how worried she is about having to use the moment as a “teachable moment” for her kids.

Now, I’m not going to take this article to task line-by-line like I usually do, because it’s not fully the point I want to make (although I WILL point out how much I love the fucking irony of worrying about how a halftime show is impacting her poor, impressionable children while she sits around and unapologetically slut-shames Beyonce, because that’s totally better and totally harmless). Instead, I want to make an even broader point: for fuck’s sake, you lazy assholes, will you PLEASE take responsibility for parenting your own goddamn kids?

I mean, look, I’m not a parent here – maybe I don’t get how hard it really is to make sure you are reinforcing the right messages to your kids given how many external influences they get on a daily basis. But…isn’t that kind of the point of living life? Broadening your horizons, making sure you’re exposed to new and different ideas in order to grow as a person, and asking yourself tough questions and such? A HUGE part of childhood development beyond a certain age comes entirely from social/external learning, and like it or not, your kids are going to be confronted with lots of conflicting and confusing information during their young lives.

The correct response to this? Talk to your kids, be there for them when they have questions, and help develop their sense of self and their morals/vaules without over-sheltering them. Despite their lack of worldliness, kids are much smarter and more emotionally intelligent than we give them credit for, and they don’t need constant safeguarding.

The incorrect response? Crusading against whatever ideas you personally disagree with and not taking the responsibility as a parent to actually practice some fucking PARENTING.

I’m not suggesting we just open the floodgates and expose children to the darkest aspects of the world right away, mind you – I’m just saying they’re YOUR kids in the first place, so YOU should take the time to determine what you do and don’t want them exposed to and parent accordingly. This should go without saying, but everyone in this world is different, and expecting the world to cater to YOUR specific thoughts is incredibly selfish.

That’s my real objection to this: the willingness to blame others for making your job harder and/or acting in ways that you personally don’t agree with. If the NFL puts on a Super Bowl halftime show that you find risque, don’t demand that they apologize – change the channel or just talk to your kids about what they’re seeing. If video game companies develop a hyper-violent video game, don’t write letters suggesting the government bans violent games for everyone – make sure your kids understand the difference between fantasy and reality. For every person who agrees with you there’s another who thinks you’re full of shit – stop your misguided moral crusade and act like a fucking adult for once, because Christ on sale, there’s more to life than just you.

In conclusion, remember how when you were a kid you were taught that our differences are what make us unique and that life would be boring if everyone were the same? Good – now take that lesson to heart and stop being such a sermonizing asshole.


Teach Your Children Well

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